Treacherous woman gets pregnant without telling friend first

A WOMAN is livid that her friend got pregnant without first checking with her that it was acceptable.  

Donna Sheridan has been living happily with her boyfriend for six years but Emma Bradford feels that is no excuse for conceiving a baby without consulting her first.

Bradford said: “I’ve known Donna for over a decade, which means she should have told me before they even started trying. It’s common courtesy.

“In callously getting pregnant, she hasn’t taken my feelings into account. For example, I need someone to go to the pub with and it is impossible getting a buggy into that little upstairs wine bar that I like.

“And when I called her yesterday to moan about my job the only thing she had to say was that the baby is currently the size of a Brazil nut. I am bigger than a Brazil nut, so I should clearly be more important to her.

“Donna says that if she has a second baby she will let me know first of all, so I’ve got in there early and already told her it’s a terrible idea that will ruin her life forever.”

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Nobody has to go and see any f**ker this weekend

WITH all relatives and friends met and all obligations discharged, the entire UK is not open to seeing any f**ker this weekend. 

Following a month of drinks with friends and meals with family and dinners and gatherings and Zoom calls, the country is planning to have nothing to do with anyone outside their immediate household until at least Monday.

Nathan Muir of Glossop said: “Door’s shut and door’s staying shut. The lot of them can f**k off.

“I’ve seen my parents, my brother, my sisters, all their twat partners and twat kids, my mates, my other lesser mates, all the other scattered relatives and lonely dickheads in my life. I’ve done my bit.

“They’ve had their time and what did they do with it? Whinged about Ron’s van and Mum’s arthritis and cousin Sarah’s terrible trouble with her wet room. No wonder I’m sick of the pricks.

“I don’t want to see so much as the Amazon guy. It’s blinds down, movies and videogames and blessed, blessed solitude for this dude.”

He added: “I’m having a one-man lockdown. And it’s going to be f**king brilliant.”