Wedding vows too needy and clingy, guests agree

THE solemn promises being made by a bride and groom in front of God sound a bit needy and clingy, wedding guests feel.

Witnesses to the marriage of Jack Browne and Lucy Parry agree that vowing to stay together through sickness and health until they die comes across as a bit over-the-top and they both need to dial it down a notch.

Bridesmaid Helen Archer said: “Men like to have a bit of independence in a relationship. Hearing that Lucy will be stuck to him like a limpet from this day forward might scare him off at the most crucial moment.

“It wouldn’t be so bad if the vows only applied for a year or two, then they could review it like a phone contract. As it is, the promise of a lifetime of unconditional love and support sounds a bit stifling.”

Best man Martin Bishop said: “I’m already cringing and they haven’t even got to the personalised vows yet. What’s with all this ‘to have and to hold’ and ‘love and cherish always’ bollocks, bro? What happened to playing hard to get?

“Women love it when you treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen. If you pledge to be loyal to for the rest of your life you may as well say ‘Please slob out in un-sexy sweatshirts and eat biscuits in bed. The ones with really itchy crumbs.’”

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'We're not pumping sewage in the sea, we're firing it at the French'

WATER companies have explained to customers on the south coast that they are not pumping sewage into the sea so much as firing it at the hated French.

Huge discharges of raw, untreated sewage across the coastline from Kent to Cornwall are not pollution but a deliberate campaign of biological warfare against Britain’s oldest enemy.

Southern Water executive Thomas Logan, who gave himself a 20 per cent pay rise and a half-million bonus last year, said: “Why let good shit go to waste when France is right there?

“We could easily treat that sewage, because we’re always investing and take public health very seriously. But, post-Brexit, it would be morally wrong to do so. Instead we’re giving it to the frogs with both bloody barrels.

“Sewage goes in the sea, sewage is taken by the tide, sewage washes up on French shores and ruins their fancy holidays and gets in their moules marinières and makes them all sick. It’s sweet revenge for those Dover queues.

“And you know what else? Illegal migrants are now sailing through a sea of turds. They’ll soon mutiny, give up and turn back. More effective than Rwanda.

“We will fight them on the beaches, Churchill said, and that’s what the brave sewage soldiers of Southern Water are doing. British beaches are merely collateral damage.”