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What to do when your daughter brings home a bad boy

TEENAGE daughter brought home a slouching yob with a leather jacket riding a 125cc scooter like it’s a Harley? Want to end their misbegotten relationship ASAP? Here’s how: 

Pretend to like him

Nothing will dim the appeal of this iconoclastic rebel more than boring old dad’s approval. Invite him to sit down for a single malt. Get him telling his most outrageous anecdotes and reply with stories from your own wild youth, emphasising how dull you’ve become. Your daughter’s lust for him will slowly be replaced by a feeling of sick revulsion.

Dig the dirt

He’ll have a shady past and today’s youth live half of it online, so enlist the help of your most Insta-obsessed friend and get digging. If you find a drug-dealing criminal record, conceal it. You’re looking for footage of him singing Circle of Life with his school choir, his abandoned Warhammer-painting YouTube channel, or an Ed Sheeran stan Twitter.

Get into his music

He’ll have to be into something transgressive and shit, so find out what and start listening to it. It’s on Spotify, it doesn’t cost anything. Your daughter will secretly hate it already so will be dismayed to come home and find you’re also blasting Tyler, The Creator on the kitchen Bluetooth. ‘Sick beats,’ you’ll nod, effortlessly tarnishing his cool.

Offer lifts

Dating a bad boy means hanging out with his equally monosyllabic mates in their filthy flats for hours on end. Occasional texts mentioning you’re at a nearby Sainsbury’s if she needs picking up will prove irresistibly tempting when the alternative is another four hours of black metal, Xbox and cans of Carling. ‘It’s my dad, he’s ordering me home,’ she’ll lie.

Pay him off

He’s living outside morality, the law and boring bourgeois notions of working for a living, so he’ll take any bribe. Tell him you’ll give him a grand to end it and his greedy little counterculture eyes will turn to dollar signs at the thought of the tattoo he can now afford. Then don’t pay him. Who’s the bad boy now?

Move house

Drastic, but on balance worth it. 50 miles or so should do it, then learn in horror that’s where he’s been driving from and you’re actually nearer his home, because he’s the kind of bad boy whose parents are richer than you. That black tinted-window BMW will be parked on your new drive before you’ve finished unpacking.

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Kid Rock, and other right-wing artists who by sheer coincidence are total bellends

RIGHT-WING musicians are few and far between and universally twats. Coincidence, or could there be some mysterious causal connection? Let’s investigate:

Lee Greenwood

Best known for 1984’s God Bless the USA, now a favourite at Trump rallies, but most of his other hits are cloying patriotic crap like America the Beautiful too. It’s hard to tell which Lee loves more: the USA, or coasting on meagre talent by singing songs about it.

Kid Rock

Two decades ago, Kid Rock had a hit with All Summer Long, a rip-off of Sweet Home Alabama and Werewolves of London about partying with underage babes. Now? Trump’s biggest fan and a dick who machine-guns Bud Light cans in his garden. Previous to that he was a white rapper. Really, he’s a professional collector of cringe careers.

Tony Hadley

Spandau Ballet’s Tony is a confirmed Tory who in 2007 addressed the party conference with prime crowd-pleasing clichés like ‘The fabric of society is torn. We need Cameron to be more like Thatcher, to say enough is enough.’ Oddly never shared his passion for Thatch in the 80s, when it would have f**ked his career sideways.

Morrissey

Began by flirting with the far-right but is now in a long-term toxic relationship with them, judging by the amount of ‘Britain is going to the dogs’ bollocks he spouts. He should move back here from Los Angeles. He’d love meeting likeminded middle-aged men and painting St George Crosses on roundabouts with them.

Skrewdriver

Skrewdriver’s rabid neo-Nazi politics meant they never had a honeymoon phase and despite being legends of the far-right music scene unsurprisingly had zero mainstream success. Nobody wants to bring a date back to their flat and ask: ‘What should I put on, White Power or Smash the IRA?’

Ted Nugent 

Gun nut Ted describes himself as ‘well-armed’, not most people’s first priority for a singer-songwriter. His unhinged views such as calling then-president Barack Obama a ‘subhuman mongrel’ are well-known. Despite this his music is oddly inoffensive MOR rock such as 1977’s Cat Scratch Fever, a song for those who find ZZ Top too experimental.

Elvis

Today, we view Elvis as a ripped-off rock-and-roll legend who was a victim of his own mindboggling fame. Which is to forget his forays into right-wing politics such as denouncing the hippy counterculture and being made an honorary Bureau of Narcotics agent by Richard Nixon. Still, understandable when off your head on speed and barbiturates.

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