Woman desperately hoping romantic weekend away won't end in awkward marriage proposal

A WOMAN going on a romantic weekend with her boyfriend is praying he is not planning to ask her to marry him.

Nikki Hollis was surprised when Tom Booker announced he had booked a two-night break at a posh country spa hotel at short notice, but was soon gripped with dread at his possible motive.

Hollis said: “I’ve always wanted to go on one of these spa pamper weekends. He’s even arranged dinner at a very expensive restaurant, so for a second I was really excited.

“But then it struck me he might be planning to propose, which would be a disaster. I’m bored shitless with him to be honest, and was going to dump him until this happened.

“I’m probably just being paranoid so should really just go and enjoy myself. i can always chuck him a respectable couple of weeks afterwards.”

Booker said: “Nikki’s got beauty treatments in the afternoon, then in the evening I’ve paid for a string quartet to serenade us after dessert. Then I’ll force her into making a massive life decision by pulling out the engagement ring.

“I’ve planned the whole trip with military precision, so literally nothing can go wrong with this.”

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The white person's guide to being a dick about your white privilege

A REPORT has suggested that the idea of ‘white privilege’ is holding white children back. This is probably bollocks, but why not get angry about it anyway? Here’s how.

Blame all your problems on anti-white prejudice

Do you work in a tedious office instead of, say, being a billionaire with a big, tacky yacht? This is clearly due to people pointing out that racial discrimination is a thing, and not your mediocre GCSE results.

Ignore the obvious benefits of being white

You can drive a BMW without endless police stops. You can go on public transport without some wanker telling you to ‘go home’ despite the fact you were born in Worcestershire. ‘Count your blessings’ is the sort of trite rubbish your mum comes out with, but sometimes it’s true.

Furiously go on Twitter

Don’t bother to consider the whole issue, just type nonsense like ‘When will us Angle Saxons be treated equelly in are own country?’ It’s a proven fact that the most effective way to improve your life – and society in general – is to rant about something on the endless hate-filled snake pit that is Twitter.

Believe everything you read 

Culture war bullshit is clearly beneficial to the Tories and newspapers who want clicks. Don’t think about this. Instead assume every media story is 100 per cent true, eg. schools are going to ban The Very Hungry Caterpillar for not being a Rastafarian because some strange Tory MP said so.

Don’t do anything constructive

F**k that. Don’t help your kids with their homework. Instead nurture a deep sense of grievance that you’re being persecuted for being white when your biggest actual real-life problem is needing to get your boiler serviced.