Woman ordering 'soup' really meant 'wine'

A WOMAN on a date has politely opted for soup as a starter instead of the huge glass of Pinot Grigio she really wanted.

Emma Bradford was desperate for a large, chilled glass of booze after a hard day, but felt she should at least attempt to make a good first impression on Tom Logan instead.

Bradford said: “Tom was sipping a glass of water when I arrived so I felt obliged to do the same, as immediately demanding a vat of alcohol probably isn’t a great look.

“I normally just have wine, the main meal and, if my date’s not a dickhead, dessert. But Tom ordered calamari so I panicked and ordered the seafood soup, which is not only not wine, but also f**king disgusting.

“It’s weird being on a date where you don’t get steadily tipsier until you suddenly find them deeply attractive, despite the fact that they’ve just told you in depth about the dry stone walling course they’ve recently completed.

“Will I see him again? No. A pleasant teetotaller like him doesn’t deserve to see me at my worst.”

Tom said: “I was only sipping the water because I had a scratchy throat, but Emma obviously doesn’t drink. I’d have given anything for four pints of premium lager to take the edge off.”

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Pound getting a semi at the possibility of U-turn

THE value of the pound has started to swell and grow at the prospect of a mini-budget U-turn, it has emerged.

After shrivelling up into a limp, flaccid chode in the wake of the mini-budget, the tantalising prospect of an economic U-turn has seen the value of the pound start to twitch and come back to life.

Financial analyst Nathan Muir said: “See, there’s life in the old chap yet. The pound’s getting on a bit so these occasional embarrassing droops are to be expected. It happens to other currencies all the time.

“The mini-budget didn’t exactly help though. It’s the financial equivalent of a cold shower. You’d be turned off too if some amateur was clumsily fumbling around with your business and doing all the wrong things.

“The thought of a U-turn though is like a cheeky flash of a stocking top. There’s tension, possibility, longing. I’m getting worked up myself just thinking about it.”

The pound said: “The only thing I like more than a U-turn is to be taken roughly by the Bank of England. That honey really knows how to show legal tender a good time.”