WHEN it comes to dating advice, we’ve hopefully moved on from platitudes like ‘plenty more fish in the sea’. But is the touchy-feely advice of the internet age any better? Of course not.
You’ll find love when you stop looking
So dating is governed by some sort of sentient force, and when it notices you’re less desperate to find a partner, it will send one your way? Great timing. If you give the slightest credence to this sort of quasi-mystical bollocks you may as well start believing in in fairies. At least then you might shag a Wiccan.
You need to love yourself first
Objectively, whether you adore yourself or have low self-esteem makes very little difference to whether people want to go out with you. Also, what sort of twat won’t date someone if they’re a bit insecure or down on themselves? ‘Sorry, pleasant Dua Lipa lookalike, a relationship is out of the question because you mentioned you’re not very confident at work. I’ll get you an Uber.’
Don’t spend too long in the ‘talking stage’
This refers to the Gen Z practice of conducting a relationship via social media or texting, then it being a disaster when they meet in person. However if you’re too thick to understand the whole point of dating is to be in the same physical space so you can have sex and use those Pizza Express vouchers, maybe it’s best if you never get a chance to add to the gene pool.
You’ve got to ‘work on yourself’
Commonly cited examples of ‘working on yourself’ are: journaling, improving your sleep/exercise habits, and learning new skills. With the exception of exercise, it’s hard to see how any of these help with dating. In fact not mentioning your boring, badly-written, self-obsessed journal will probably increase your chances of pulling 100 per cent.
When you know, you know
This is usually said by tiresome women trying to sound wise about matters of the heart. What they actually mean is: ‘I found someone who met my long-term relationship requirements and also had a decent car.’ But they can’t say that because then it doesn’t sound as if they’ve got an enigmatic sixth sense.
You have to work at a relationship
This received wisdom holds that relationships are an endless knackering slog requiring constant vigilance and effort, which is incredibly depressing. And probably bad advice if a couple fundamentally aren’t suited. But in any case, you don’t have to work at a relationship. It’s a free country. What’s your partner going to do, call the Crappy Birthday Present Police?
