THINK you know your history? Prepare to be shocked as you discover everything they taught you in school was a lie.
Elizabeth ‘The Virgin Queen’ did hand stuff
It’s pretty well-established that Elizabeth I never got her rocks off – the entire state of Virginia is named after her, after all. In truth, though, while Lizzie was never up for full sex, she was a strong believer in loopholes. New research into Elizabethan bathroom stalls has uncovered that she did some pretty filthy hand stuff and the occasional bit of dry humping with Sir Walter Raleigh.
Churchill was a massive coward
The image we have of Churchill is that of a stalwart bulldog, who led the country through World War II with strength and tenacity. It couldn’t be further from the truth. Letters he sent to his wife during the Blitz reveal that he was a huge cry baby about it all, and would wet himself at the mere mention of Hitler’s name.
Harold wasn’t shot in the eye
Most evidence of the time, such as the Bayeux Tapestry, claims that Harold Godwinson took a fatal arrow to the eye during the Battle of Hastings, ending his reign on the English throne. However another tapestry has debunked this story. He was actually shot in the arse, and was so embarrassed about it he moved to Scotland where no one knew him. His last years were spent running a tea shop for Norman tourists, which must have stung.
Women and children weren’t saved first on the Titanic
Hollywood majorly sanitised the tragic Titanic story. Women and children were actually second to board the lifeboats. The first person on was Captain Edward Smith, who took up a whole boat to himself because he refused to share space with ‘filthy passengers’ and wanted to stretch his legs out. Meanwhile the orchestra threw children overboard to make room on their lifeboat for their instruments.
JFK was a virgin
Far from being a philanderer, President John F Kennedy was actually a shy, retiring virgin. When Marilyn Monroe attempted to kiss him on the cheek at his birthday party, he turned red and hid in the Oval Office for the rest of the night. All of Jackie’s children were actually Richard Nixon’s – which is why they’re so good-looking.
