Aliens keep putting off Earth visit

EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS have as little enthusiasm for coming to Earth as we do for visiting elderly relatives, it has been claimed.

SETI researchers have predicted contact with alien life by 2034, when aliens that have known about us for centuries arrive with a grudging sense of obligation.

Astronomer Tom Booker said: “Like when you visit your nan, ETs will only come because they expect us to be extinct quite soon, which would make them feel bad for not making the effort.

“To them, our philosophy is about as interesting and advanced as your nan’s thoughts on the woman in the bungalow across the road who’s let her tree grow too big.

“The feeling of having to travel millions of light years for a bit of stilted conversation and some cake with a race that knows precisely nothing keeps putting them off.

“They’d rather save their weekend for Barbarella-style psychic orgies, so ‘Earth trip’ is always delayed under some flimsy pretence of their entire fleet of spacecraft needing a service.”

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The Sun declares Britain safe as 88 year-old peace campaigner dies

BRITAIN is finally safe from the perils of Tony Benn, the Sun has declared.

The tabloid newspaper’s website ran the simple headline ‘PHEW!’ following the death of the 88 year-old former MP and anti-war activist, who once dared to suggest that Rupert Murdoch might be a total bastard.

In 1984, following an in-depth investigation lasting almost 30 seconds, the Sun declared Benn to be ‘the most dangerous man in Britain’, causing some confusion at the time, given the very obvious existence of the IRA.

According to the newspaper’s editorial today: “It is a new dawn in Britain. Our children can now grow up in safety, knowing their lives will not be utterly destroyed by The Benn.”

Declaring ‘victory’ the paper added: “It has been a long struggle – The Benn was devious and cruel – but we have prevailed. You’re welcome.”

Jane Thompson, a Sun reader from Stevenage, said: “He was so dangerous.

“The way he never hounded anybody or hacked a phone. Or the way he opposed rather than encouraged racism and homophobia.

“He was basically a rabid wolf let loose in a shopping centre.”

Meanwhile, after watching the flood of tributes for the socialist icon, Ed Miliband has asked the Benn family if he can have the pipe.