Apple launches insipid music service

APPLE fans are to get a 24-hour stream of the dull, insipid folk and ‘electronica’ that they like via iTunes radio.

Marketing chief Phil Schiller unveiled the Apple corporation’s new radio service, promising to deliver the sort of utterly ineffectual modern background music that is perfect for Mac users.

Schiller said: “It’s going to be like Classic FM for metrosexuals.

“Lots of Boards of Canada, Fleet Foxes, and bands like Alt-J that you ‘need’ to check out because they’ve won awards.

“Maybe a smattering of Devendra Banhart. Has he still got a beard? We’re really into people with beards.

“Apple radio is going to be really pleasant in this very contemporary, worthy, slightly nauseating way.

“Which I think reflects our users very accurately.”

34 year-old web designer Tom Logan said: “This sounds great, superficiality with an edge is totally my scene.

“I go nuts for music that is culturally valid.”

Microsoft is launching a rival streaming service, Microsoft FM, which will consist entirely of the Phil Collins back catalogue.

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Tough new GCSEs to include spelling

THE new GCSE exams will require pupils to be able to spell some of the words they use.

The government insists the new regime will be groundbreaking and, if successful, will put England just 45 years behind China and South Korea.

A spokesman said: “This is the first step towards an education system that is based on the accumulation of knowledge rather than shallow, worthless opinions about things that don’t matter.”

Next year’s GCSE candidates will be tested on their ability to spell words including ‘volcanic’, ‘mercantile’ and ‘spleen’.