Cats purr when sexually aroused

CATS purr because being stroked makes them really horny, it has emerged.

Purring had been a mystery to animal experts, who had not previously linked it to cat sexuality.

Cat Tom Logan said: “It’s getting tickled behind the ears that really does it for me.

“I’m like ‘uh, yeah, right there baby’, which in cat vernacular translates as purring. Or as we call it ‘getting our purr on’.

“After a few minutes’ stroking I have to run off suddenly before it all gets too much and I embarrass myself.”

He added: “I like it on the belly too, that’s hot. Probably because it’s near my genitals.”

Logan’s 83-year-old owner Mary Fisher said: “I just thought he was being friendly.

“But as a lonely old lady I’ll take whatever companionship I can get, even if it’s a quasi-erotic relationship with an animal.”

Former cat lover Julian Cook said: “Jesus my kids stroke our old tabby and he loves it. I’m definitely getting that thing put down.”

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Student debt to be reclaimed in Betty Blue posters

GRADUATES with loan debts will be forced to hand over their Betty Blue posters and other student ephemera.

Former students owing an estimated £5bn must return bootleg A2 posters of Beatrice Dalle and any other pop culture trinkets they have to show for their degree course.

A treasury spokesman said: “The average Betty Blue poster retails at £4.99. Secondhand value is an estimated 50p, but if you multiply that by the number of students that’s maybe half a billion.”

Other posters including Absinthe lady, illustrated Plato quotes and Audrey Hepburn on a Vespa could also be requisitioned.

Graduate Tom Logan said: “These posters are like family to me. I’ve laughed and cried with them. Mainly cried.

“Without them I will have gained absolutely nothing from my time at university except compromised liver function.”