Churches Condemn Plan For Giant Lesbians

BRITAIN'S most senior clergymen last night condemned plans to use IVF technology to create gigantic lesbians in test tubes.

Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor said the lesbians were planning to create an army of 100ft tall super-beings that would rampage across the country crushing churches under their massive heels.

He added: "One day soon Westminster Cathedral will be reduced to a pile of rubble, destroyed by the demonic union of science and homosexuality.

"God's plan for the world is to persecute people for being in love, not to grow more of these perverts in a jar."

Meanwhile John Sentamu, the Archbishop of York, told the House of Lords: "The great tragedy is that these 100ft tall, 60 ton agents of destruction will grow up without fathers.

"Contrary to claims made by secular liberals, a father can play a pivotal role in the life of a massive, test-tube generated killing machine."

But the claims were rejected by the Institute for Lesbians and Curious Teenagers.

A spokeswoman said: "We plan to use our humongous lesbians for peaceful purposes such as agriculture and orgasms.

"And I would point out that a really big bull-dyke can be every bit as manly as an Alan Titchmarsh or a Jude Law."

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Brown Orders Nation To Bottle Farts

GORDON Brown has escalated the war on climate change after branding the plastic bag, 'the carrier of choice' for Al Qaeda and paedophiles.

The prime minister said Osama bin Laden insisted on 'double bagging' his groceries and that satellite pictures showed the outside of his cave was littered with discarder carriers. 'Kiddie fiddlers', he said, habitually used three.

Mr Brown also announced that from next April every household in Britain will have to bottle its own rectal emmissions in a bid to cut greenhouse gases by 64.6 per cent before July 14th 2053.

He said: "Methane expulsions are also the single biggest threat to our planet. Every time you let fly a polar bear grabs its chest."

Each household will be able to order a special fart bottle from one of the government's new Green Homes call centres, which will stay open 24 hours a day to tell people to turn off their lights and avoid unnecessary phone calls.

Each gas bottle will include a moulded plastic seat and an easy-to-operate valve. Its 40-litre capacity will  hold the gassy deposits of a family of four for a fortnight, or two days if they are vegetarian.

Mr Brown said: "The fart bottle will replace Strictly Come Dancing on Ice as the focal point for British family life. The family that farts together, stays together."

Full bottles will be taken to local authority Fart Banks where the gas will be removed safely and hygienically before being pumped into giant storage areas under the sea.

But the plans have angered residents in areas earmarked for the banks who say they will be living next door to a "ticking fart bomb".

Wayne Hayes, head of gas at the Institute of Digestion, warned: "A lighted Jeep driven into a heavily laden Fart Bank would make Nagasaki look like bonfire night."