Do not be afraid of shiny, yellow ball in sky, say experts

SCIENTISTS are urging people not to panic when a large, shiny yellow ball appears in the skies over Britain this week.

Experts say that while the ball will lead to increased amounts of heat and light, it is not a demon, a dragon or an alien spacecraft, and will, for the most part, be rather pleasant.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s natural to be afraid, but we are 99% certain that the shiny, yellow ball means us no harm.

“Our computer modelling suggests it will encourage plant growth and pollination, as well as leading to a significant increase in white wine, ice cream and nipples as women remove their brassieres in what we think will be some sort of sacrificial offering.”

Names for the ball include Shinydisc1, the Very, Very Hot Thing and the Sky Bulb.

Professor Brubaker added: “It may also lead to higher levels of stress among elderly people who think it is Jesus coming down from heaven to judge them.

“And don’t waste your time trying to touch it because, as far as we have been able to determine, it is quite a long way away.

“Possibly as far away as the moon, or America.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Michael Jackson Was 'Black'

MICHAEL Jackson was a black man, it was claimed last night.

Actor Jamiee Foxxxx stunned the audience at the Black Entertainment Television Awards by announcing the late singer was 'one of us' before introducing a series of tributes performed by people who, according to experts, were definitely not the same colour as Michael Jackson.

It had been assumed that Jackson was adopted by a black family who covered his face in boot polish and shoved him on stage where they used ropes and pulleys to make him dance.

And biographers agree that when he reached his mid 20s and established a successful solo career, he decided to wash off the boot polish once and for all and return to his white, middle-class insane roots.

Dermatologist Dr Tom Booker said: "If by some rare biological process Mick Huknall turned black then he would be a real black man and racists would discriminate against him accordingly. Racists don't beat up white people who can dance."

Later this week the Islamic Entertainment Television Awards will say Jackson was a Muslim, while the Jehova's Witnesses will knock on 20 million doors to claim he was one of their lot.

But a spokesman for the Society of Men With a Penchant for Firm, Young Male Bodies insisted: "He belonged to us. We shared him with the world."

In Los Angeles the police investigation into the singer's death is now focused on who was administering large amounts of money to Jackson's doctor.

A source said: "It seems he was getting a daily cocktail of prescription money. Twenties, fifties, personal cheques.

"Sadly it's all very typical. Young doctors getting into the business soon find themselves surrounded by money and far too many of them develop a chronic, lifelong addiction. And of course when you're a doctor it is very easy to get your hands on lots of different kinds of money."

Meanwhile the Jackson family has requested a second autopsy after an interim report found that the singer was 'basically an elongated cardboard container filled with pills'.

Showbusiness insiders have speculated that Jackson may have been trying to sound like a tube of Smarties whenever he moved in a bid to make himself more appealing to children.