Five terrifying email subject lines that will make you cry into your keyboard

YOU’RE having a productive day. You’re cruising towards inbox zero. But all it takes is one of these ominously worded email subjects to reduce you to a sobbing mess.

‘Baby shower: save the date!’

You’ve managed to keep your pregnant friend’s excitement at bay by giving their ultrasound photo a cursory like on Facebook, but this email locks you into more baby tedium. Practise saying “Don’t they look lovely?” so you can cruise through it with minimum effort.

‘Business restructure (P45s attached)’

There’s no point even opening this email, the name says it all. Save yourself the misery of reading a bunch of corporate jargon about how you’ve not hit your KPIs by simply deleting it. Then open up your CV and LinkedIn and remember it’s full of more daft business jargon.

‘Your EDF energy bill is now due’ 

This usually arrives when your bank balance is looking healthier than usual and you’re planning a few pleasing purchases to take your mind off the current gloom. As if the eye-watering bill wasn’t painful enough, the smart meter they relentlessly pestered you into installing was meant to save you money, not end up costing you more.

‘Your clingy acquaintance has sent you a friend request’

You’ve got two options. Ignore this email and the Facebook notification, then lie to the person you don’t really know about how you didn’t see either of them. Or you can let a weirdo into your life and watch as they like every single photo and status you posted. It’s a no-brainer: hit delete.


This email sent by your dad at 2am is deeply worrying due to the lack of information and odd time to send it. Then you realise it’s nearly her birthday and this is your dad’s desperate plea for present ideas that aren’t completely terrible, like oven gloves.

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Sober October told to get f**ked

THIS year has been such a horrible disaster that no one wants to compound their suffering by doing Sober October.

People who normally enjoy spending a month being insufferably smug about the sacrifice of not necking a bottle of Merlot every night say they cannot cope with it this time.

Sophie Rodriguez said: “I love doing Sober October because it means I can make nasty judgements about my friends who are still drinking.

“But after the endless stream of shite that has been 2020, not even the pleasure of being disgustingly holier-than-thou can stop me pouring booze down my throat.”

Tom Logan said: “Coronavirus combined with colder, darker days and the worry that I’ll have to spend lockdown trapped in my flat with no Christmas parties means I need my life-giving alcohol this month.

“And don’t even get me started on Dry January. I’m thinking of developing a crack habit.”