Free pint if you can eat a portion of the Earth's core

BRITISH scientists are offering a free pint of Foster’s or Kingfisher to anyone who can eat a plateful of the Earth’s core.

As it emerged that the Earth’s core is much hotter than previously thought, Britons immediately seized on this as a culinary challenge.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We instantly dispatched a Jules Verne-style drilling machine, which has returned with a titanium cylinder containing enough of the Earth’s core for several portions.

“At 6,000C it’s strictly for the hardcore.

“Anyone wanting to have a go is allowed a jug of water, a small dish of yoghurt and as many naan breads as they need.

“But there’s no toilet breaks and you have to mop the plate clean of lava.”

He added: “I’d have a go myself but I’ve got a football injury.”

27-year-old scaffolder Tom Booker was first to attempt the challenge, describing it as a “piece of piss”.

He said: “I actually like eating things that make my eyes bleed, it makes you feel really alive.”

However when he entered the eating chamber he immediately combusted, causing his friends to brand him a pussy.

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Brains of UKIP members 'hacked'

BRAINS belonging to members of UKIP have been hacked causing them to go mental.

Dismissing this week’s accusation of jaw-dropping racism, the party insisted that anonymous hackers had broken into their minds and then tampered with them.

A spokesman said: “None of our members would ever have thoughts like this on their own.

“If a UKIP member suggests the holocaust was a ‘Zionist conspiracy’ you can be sure it was placed there by an external force. Probably a Jew.

“As was that one. And that one.”

UKIP member Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, said: “It seems that lately I don’t where my thoughts are coming from.

“One minute there’s nothing in my brain whatsoever and then all of a sudden – boom! – it’s ‘thought time’.

“But at no point did I think about this thought. It’s as if someone has inserted one of those foreign-made flash drive thingys into my ear and downloaded an opinion about everything.

“Before I know what’s happening the thought has bounced around the inside of my skull and then out through my mouth and into the world.

“Where it is then no doubt criticised by some creepy French Jews.”

She added: “Where on earth did that come from?”