From Tomb Raider to Rightmove via masturbation: Your changing home computing over time

IF you’re 50 or under, the computer has always been there. Finding you porn, stealing you movies, and never once being used for home accounting. This is your journey: 

Tomb Raider, 1996

Gaming and big whirring beige boxes were synonymous when you were a kid. You were puzzled to learn that guiding top-heavy toffs around dinosaur-infested caves wasn’t the reason the microchip was invented. As if there could be a higher purpose to computing than the little moan Lara let out when run deliberately into walls, using one hand.

Masturbation, 1997-ongoing

Through your teenage years the computer whispered to you. ‘When can we be alone?’ ‘I’ve got MPEGs waiting for you.’ As far as you were concerned, www stood for wank wank wank. Even today, the beeps and whirrs of a dial-up modem are a Pavlovian erotic trigger.

iTunes, 2004-2008

For years, this was what you did with your life. Hours and hours uploading CDs to your online library, neglecting your love life and physical health in the pursuit of a comprehensive digital record collection. Then Spotify came along and made you look like a right twat.

Printing tickets and boarding passes 2008-2019

For a brief time, between the advent of E-tickets and widespread adoption of smartphones, print-your-own was all the rage. Your social life was entirely governed by how much ink was left in your printer. When it broke down the night before a flight you swore more than you’ve ever sworn before or since.

Masturbation again, but better, 2010-ongoing

It never really stopped. But 21st-century bandwidth is a different game, and with the advent of private browsing and in-pocket screens you can take it to different rooms. A new age of self-abuse, only endangered when the video becomes silent and you realise you’ve automatically connected to your son’s Bluetooth speaker.

Rightmove, 2014-ongoing

You’ve now settled into a middle-aged fetish for house prices, unable to glimpse a For Sale sign without logging on to disparage the curtains. A house five streets away has planning permission for an extension over the garage? That unassuming terrace has a 90ft back garden? Granny flat with separate entrance? And now you’ve wanking again.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

We ask you: what excellent reasons can you think of for sending Katy Perry into space?

KATY Perry, a pop star from 2008-2013, is to be on a groundbreaking all-woman spaceflight. Why do you believe it’s well-deserved? 

Tom Booker, classicist: “They’ve tricked her by saying it’s an experiment about zero-gravity toplessness, haven’t they? That’s so wrong. It should have been Christina Hendricks.”

Marie Fisher, herpetologist: “Her last comeback crashed and burned. I should ask the team dealing with re-entry to keep that in mind.”

Charlie Phleps, violinist: “Why’s everyone acting like this has come out of the blue? Her 2011 single ET was entirely focused on the study of extra-terrestrial biomes and possible life.”

Roy Hobbes, mariner: “I’m all for this feminism but what about poor Orlando Bloom, stuck at home minding the kids while she experiences 11 minutes of spaceflight.”

Sue Traherne, taco vendor: “Careful, fellow passengers. She kisses girls and likes it.”