Henry V’s warship 'looks less cool now'

THE historical warship found in a mud bank is now just a plank, experts have warned.

Following the discovery of one of Henry V’s most splendid and formidable vessels, excavators warned that it not longer looks that awesome, or indeed remotely awesome.

Archaeologist Norman Steele said: “Laymen will be reading about the Holigost and, because they are total idiots, imagining that it still looks like something from Pirates of the Caribbean.

“But after being in a bog for centuries it is now just about the size of a cricket bat, and only exciting to people like me who are really hardcore about such things.

“A dog could carry it around in its mouth.”

Sales manager Mary Fisher said: “Does it still have all the sails and the turrets and the cannons? Is the original crew still alive after being somehow held in suspended animation by the mud?

“Where on the internet can I buy tickets to sail on it? I must be the first of my social group to do that”

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Milk Tray man quizzed over confusing espionage role

THE public has demanded to know which intelligence agency Milk Tray man works for and why he is covertly delivering chocolates.  

Plans to return Milk Tray man to active service have left Britons demanding to know if he receives taxpayers’ money to slip into women’s bedrooms and how this aids national security.

Office manager Donna Sheridan said: “He’s clearly a spy, so shouldn’t he be uncovering terrorist plots instead of delivering mid-priced confectionary?

“I suppose he could be assassinating female terrorists with poisoned chocolates, but once you’re in their bedroom it’s probably better to just shoot them rather than hope they’re stupid enough to eat a mysterious food gift.”

Milk Tray man Roy Hobbs said: “The truth is I was in a destructive relationship with a very damaged woman who could only be intimate after I’d jumped into shark-infested waters from a balcony.

“That’s over now so in the new adverts I’ll just be arranging for people to be tortured in Middle East prisons.”