Human-pig hybrids ‘could find themselves delicious’

COMBINING human and pig DNA could create a species that wants to turn itself into sandwiches, scientists have warned.

After scientists implanted human cells into pigs to grow transplant organs, experts warned the resulting hybrids could become aware of the deliciousness of their crispy bacon flesh with lashings of ketchup.

Biologist Denys Finch Hatton said: “All it takes is for one careless lab technician to eat a bacon sandwich in front of part-human pigs and you’ve got a potential bloodbath on your hands.

“Once they realise how irresistibly tasty they are, they’re likely to break out of the lab and start seeking out white bread, ketchup, a grill and cutting tools, ideally a bacon slicer.

“If they find even the most basic kitchen facilities the results will be horrific. I urge our American colleagues to end this unethical experiment, or at least use unappetising animals like monkeys.

“Scientists must resist the temptation to play God with nature, unless it’s something really important like a new type of shampoo.”

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Every office has one person who is not a dick

THERE is only one person who is okay in any office, it has been claimed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that, irrespective of size, every company has on its staff one person with whom you could realistically be friends while the rest are a bunch of fucking annoying idiots.

Telesales administrator Tom Logan said: “When I started working here, I immediately hated everyone for the usual reasons one hates people who work in offices.

“The only exception is Carl who works on the fourth floor, he hates it here too and we sometimes go out for a fag together and talk about films. He’s cool and we might even stay in touch after one or both of us inevitably gets sacked.

“There are 708 other people who work here.”

Researchers found that shared loathing of a job, person or entire organisation is a major factor in whether you will like a colleague.

Insurance agent Emma Bradford said: “People where I work obsesses over snacks and soup drinks because there are stupid, superficial people. The boss is a big time perv but everyone plays along with it because they want more money.

“Except Susan from sales who calls him ‘Fungus the Gropeyman’ to his face. In another life we could have been outlaws together, like Thelma and Louise, instead of pissed-off office workers wasting their lives on bullshit.”