'Hunter-gatherer' now 'parker'

A SLIGHTLY superior ability to reverse vehicles into gaps between other vehicles is the only reason men still exist, experts have claimed.

As new data shows that women are more likely to fail their driving tests on reverse parking, anthropologists believe this could explain why penis carriers persist despite being irrelevant in all other respects.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “In prehistoric times men’s physical strength and aggression made them well suited for hunting cave bears with spears while womenfolk suckled hairy babies and made the cave nice.

“Fast forward to the 21st century and a tendency towards killing things with spears is no longer considered a boon. And we know men are shit, because of television adverts for household products where they ruin everything then shrug.

“All of which begged the question, why do men continue to exist?

“There must have been some reason why we haven’t evolved into a race of women who fertilise themselves from floating spores, or similar. And it seems the answer is parking.”

The Institute found that without men’s ability to reverse-park cars, civilisation would grind to a halt as vehicles abandoned at random angles would make roads impassable.

Anthropologist Emma Bradford said: “This type of data inevitably re-ignites debate about who is better, men or women? That’s because we live in an age where everything is a weird pointless competition contrived by marketers.

“Anyway, the answer is women.”



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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I always thought of  little decorated sponge cakes as fairy cakes, but my wife says they are cupcakes. Surely this isn’t right? My whole reality has been turned upside down and I’m so confused. Please help!

Dear Jamie,
You’re confused? There’s nothing more confusing than being a schoolgirl. One minute, you’re making Barbie’s hair look pretty and imagining you’re living in a fairy castle; the next you’re stuffing your crop top with bog roll and weeping silently over a picture of Harry Styles from One Direction.
My teenage big sister used to love playing dressing up and tea parties with me, but now she prefers to hang about park benches with big boys on bikes and tell my parents ‘to go fuck themselves’. Worst of all, Jessica Greaves told us that you suddenly start bleeding out of your bumhole when you turn thirteen, and it doesn’t stop until you’re seventy-five. No wonder women cry so much. I always hoped I’d be like Barbie when I grew up: with long golden hair, a pink mansion and a hard plastic fanny. Unfortunately it seems that with all the uncontrollable leakage from both ends,Tiny Tears is possibly a more realistic role model.
Hope that helps!