Light Sabres Potentially Deadly But Also Incredibly Cool, Say Experts

POWERFUL light sabres sold online could be lethal but are nevertheless amazing, according to experts.

The Institute for Studies conducted exhaustive tests on the weapon, which utilises a potent laser capable of burning through human flesh.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The sabre fires a beam 1,000 times stronger than a standard laser pointer, and is easily capable of permanently blinding a child. It also makes the exact same sort of ‘wooooob’ sound as the ones in Star Wars.

“We used the lab environment to reconstruct a potentially deadly light sabre duel. For reasons of procedural expediency I was Darth Vader and my colleague Professor Malley was Obi-Wan.

“After a flurry of blows I cornered the ageing Jedi master, uttering the immortal line ‘Your powers are weak, old man’, before administering the coup de grace across his buttocks.”

Professor Stephen Malley said: “It really fucking hurt. Certainly at the time I felt convinced that this type of device should not be available to the general public.

“However I changed my mind later on when I ambushed Henry in the canteen and swiped him across the back of the neck with my own blue beam of death. He sort of collapsed, and was just rolling around on the floor, screaming like the little bitch that he is.

“I stood over him and said ‘Join me, together we can rule the galaxy’ in a deep voice, and everyone cracked up. He was properly crying.”

He added: “On a more serious note, this is an incredibly potent weapon capable of causing irreversible physical harm.

“I recommend that it be banned forthwith, although mainly because I like the idea of being the only person who’s got one. The last Jedi, if you will.”

But Professor Brubaker was more equivocal: “I guess it’s like all these things, it’s alright if you’re not too much of a prick. So probably the light sabres should be labelled ‘NOT FOR SALE TO PRICKS’.

“Then it would be okay.”


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Police Can't Stand Another Minute Of Birmingham

WEST Midlands Police have withdrawn a CCTV scheme after admitting they can no longer just sit there, staring at Birmingham.

The cameras were installed as an anti-terrorism measure but security experts quickly realised the only things in the area worth blowing up were the cameras themselves.

Inspector Tom Logan said: “After endless footage of Birmingham city centre, many officers were praying a lorry full of fertiliser and nails was parked next to their heads.

“Nietzsche said that if you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss stares back at you. I can prove empirically that is indeed the case. And may I also add that the abyss sounds like Jasper Carrott.”

Meanwhile, it has emerged that many of the officers have developed chronic amphetamine addictions to help them stay awake.

One local resident said: “I was coming home from a night shift and as I walked past the police station I could hear two officers having a really intense conversation about who was going to the 24-hour garage for Red Bull while Motorhead played in the background.”

A written log of one officer monitoring the CCTV revealed:

09:28: I thought I saw a crisp packet go by, and then I realised that I just hoped I did. Oh sweet fucking Jesus, it’s only half-nine.

11:42: Pigeon.

13:26: Pigeon.

15:13: Have started moving the camera around in a semaphore of despair, but nobody sees, nobody cares.

17:38: Chaffinch?

21:53: It’s raining. Again. Am going to pass time calculating the number of raindrops it would take to drown myself.

Drama critic, Charlie Reeves, praised the CCTV log, adding: “It’s like an episode of The Bill co-written by Pinter and Beckett, but I wouldn’t recommend it unless you can turn your cheerfulness button all the way up to Kriss Akabussi.”