Mum doing engineering degree to untwist toddler's seatbelt

A MUM is studying for a four-year engineering degree in the hope she will learn how to untwist her child’s car-seat straps.

Emma Bradford is hoping the course at Brunel University will give her the theoretical and practical knowledge to get the bastards to stay flat for a single f**king car journey.

She said: “I put the toddler in seat and they’re fine, I take her out half-an-hour later and they’re twisted to buggery. How? She can’t move.

“Other times, the straps are perfectly fine when I take her out but three hours later they’re twisted and knotted like jungle vines. It makes no sense.

“The only explanation is that the engineers made a complete arse of designing it, a theory I’m going to confirm by getting a BSc and taking it back to first principles, then writing a scholarly paper on it.

“Then, hopefully, once I’m a world-leading expert in the field, I’ll be able to untangle the straps in seconds and not spend hours hunched over the back every journey. Even on the four-year course it’ll end up quite a time-saver.”

Professor Denys Finch Hatton of Brunel University said: “The seatbelt must be fastened to the force of three newtons per every kilo of the child’s weight, then divide that by 16 to get the tensile strength. I’m bluffing. I’ve no f**king idea.”

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How to start a new life after getting a bad haircut

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Move to a new country

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Change your name

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Burn off your fingerprints

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Join a travelling circus

You’ll need a new job, but rather than an acrobat or a magician in the ring you’ll be kept in a darkened caravan out back to which a sleazy clown will lead discerning punters to gawp in terror at your haircut, billed as ‘nature’s cruel mistake.’

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