Neanderthals had unbeatable noughts-and-crosses system

NEANDERTHAL man knew a way of playing noughts-and-crosses that delivered a win every time, archaeologists have discovered.

The primitive hominids, who died out 40,000 years ago, left evidence of their mastery carved into the walls of a Gibraltar cave.

Archaeologist Dr Denys Finch Hatton said: “There are hundreds of game boards, done over the course of a single rainy season, and not one is a draw.

“It’s incredibly sophisticated in comparison to the Cro-Magnons, who played a primitive and unwinnable version of Rock Paper Scissors where the paper and the scissors were replaced by rocks.

“This is what drove the Cro-Magnons to wipe out the Neanderthals. Nobody likes a smart arse.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow, don’t stop – it’ll soon be here. And it’ll be almost identical to the four thousand days before it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
While you hope your cat isn’t playing in quicksand on Monday, you have a sinking feline.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Hackers seem pretty uninterested in your hard drive full of Bude photos this week.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After negotiating the audition process for X Factor, you’re really looking forward to the first live show where you will debut your song Simon Cowell Is A Basket Of Prick.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Oh, hello, here’s that Jason Statham chap wearing a suit and looking cross while an entire building explodes behind him. I wonder if this film is an EM Forster adaptation?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You will spend the next three months in hospital after you try to iron Mike Tyson.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your looped ‘y’ indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping suggests impatience. But it’s the fact you have written it in your own dung that’s really going to banjax your parole application.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your bid to make everyone like you at work by always making a brew fails due to your being a southerner who likes sugary milk piss.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No, you’re not a humanitarian. You’re a human IT Aryan.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your plan to cut down to one to one glass of wine a day is going well after you buy a glass the size of your head.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Avoiding disappointment by never wishing for anything continues to work for you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Mmmbopbadooeyopbapmmmbopbadooeyop. And so forth.