New app notifies you that you have no new notifications every 30 seconds

A TECH start-up has launched a new app that notifies you every 30 seconds that you do not receive notifications, saving you checking for yourself. 

Nottiffyr checks your social media for any notifications from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp, texts, emails and even calls, and updates you twice a minute to confirm you have nothing new since last time it notified you.

Start-up head Tom Logan said: “I was checking my phone the other day, no more than 15 seconds after I’d last checked it, when I thought: wait. Why isn’t there an app for this?

“Our research concluded that it’s not really about the content of the message or what the notification might mean, people just want the endorphin rush of their phone dinging.

“So we just decided to cut out the middleman, get rid of the need to actually be texted, and created an app that makes your phone light up every 30 seconds, regardless of whether you have any messages or not.

“That way you still get the rush of checking your phone constantly without having to rely on other people to like your photos or text you back. We think it’s the perfect substitute to watching the news.”

User Francesca Johnson said: “It’s fantastic to know I’m never more than 30 seconds away from a buzz and an excuse to end conversations. Plus it carries on all night.”

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The ignorant twat's guide to social distancing

CONSIDER the government’s social distancing advice to be for other people? Here’s how to be an ignorant twat about it:

Queue right behind people

Stand so close to the person in front of you that they can feel your potentially diseased breath on the back of their neck. As security order you to back up, claim you were just trying to get your shopping done quicker and anyway herd immunity.

Have a BBQ

Insist on enjoying these balmy April evenings by inviting friends and family round for a paper plateful of charred meat. Should the police come knocking, explain you were only having a barbecue and it’s a free f**king country. They’ll understand, and let you carry on.

Chat across the street

Stopp for an inane chinwag with someone on the other side of the street, making it impossible to pass between you safely. When someone’s forced to risk it, lose your shit at them immediately for risking you and your mate’s lives.

Never step off the pavement

Walking on the pavement is now a thrilling game of chicken when someone else is heading towards you. Who will crack first? Ensure a win by loudly coughing when your opponent, a 70 year-old granny, gets within earshot.

None of it counts if you’re in your car

Pulling over for a brief chat with an acquaintance? They can come right to the window of your car and lean down and talk directly into your face because you’re in your car. Which is safe, because car. Also they’ll need to speak up because you’re leaving the engine running the whole time.