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Nothing said after five drinks counts, scientists agree

INSULTS, flirtations and generally talking bollocks are all null and void after a fifth drink has been consumed, scientists have confirmed.

Due to the high level of alcohol in a person’s system at around five drinks, scientists feel it is important to disregard everything they say and not remember it or hold it against them at a later date.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Remember that time your emotionally distant dad said he loved you? That was five drinks talking. You never did get that puppy, did you?

“After a person consumes their fifth drink they pass what toxicologists call the ‘Bullshit Threshold’. Even a small amount of alcohol puts you over the limit for driving, so a dozen or so units means you can’t be trusted to ‘steer’ your brain and tongue. That’s just good science. 

“Therefore any comments made after five pints, whether it’s a sudden and inappropriate attempt to chat up a colleague, or an embarrassing outpouring of praise for someone you barely know, is invalid and did not happen.

“As always there’s an exception to the rule. Angry drunks say exactly what they mean and you should stay even further away from them.”

Drinker Tom Logan said: “You’re a great guy. Seriously, one of the best. I think you might be my best mate. No, blood brothers. What’s your name again?”

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Now it has infringed on my wanking, Britain is officially a police state. By Roy Hobbs

FOR years I’ve ignored the erosion of our civil liberties. CCTV on every building? Fine. Proscribing Palestine Action? Whatever. But now I realise our freedom is in grave danger if it’s becoming a major hassle to rub one out.

With the so-called ‘Online Safety Act’, Generalissimo Starmer has crossed a line. Poorly-acted porn videos are the issue that has awoken my political consciousness, and I have no choice but to join the resistance. 

And so I ask you: will you stand with me, comrade? If being an Englishman means anything, it is liberty. And there is no freedom so important as having a five-knuckle shuffle in one’s own home on one’s own broadband. What else was the Second World War about?

Apparently this is all ‘for the children’. But I’m not a child, I’m a 58-year-old plumber with a healthy – and pro-LGBT – appreciation for women discovering their bisexuality, and the occasional optimistic search for ‘big tit MILF needing combi boiler fixed’. Where does it end? Are they going to send a SWAT team every time I open an incognito tab?

Dictators have always banned material to control the minds of the people. And this is bound to lead to dictatorship, because Starmer has now lost every single male vote in the country. The state must stay out of a man’s home, his search history and his trousers. That is the social contract as defined by Rousseau. 

If a man wants to see deepfakes of Camilla Parker-Bowles in a thong – a purely hypothetical example, obviously – then he should be able to do so without Big Brother peeking over his shoulder. What next? A Labour candidate blackmailing me on the doorstep by asking if I’ve perused any partners of King Charles recently?

They say it’s about ‘online harms’. But the only harm being done is to my mental health when I try to download a free VPN and end up with a computer riddled with viruses which I have to take to the computer shop so that a fat nerd can snigger that I’m the eighth that day. 

I didn’t ask for this fight against tyranny. But then neither did Volodymyr Zelensky. I will resist, and when I hear the PornHub jingle again, I’ll know our struggle is won. Give me wanking or give me death.

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