People who buy pre-sliced fruit ‘not proper humans’

THE gap between those who buy expensive packs of pre-sliced fruit and normal people is wider than previously thought, experts have found.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that purchasers of apples that are sliced up and then sold in a clear plastic pot lack basic human characteristics.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our research shows that someone who buys bags of sliced mango from M&S has more in common with the mango they’re consuming than they do with a human being who uses a knife to prepare their own fruit.

“Most fruit is usually well packaged within its own skin or peel. Pre-sliced fruit buyers have some sort of problem with nature.

“Basically they want to destroy everything.”

Pricey packet fruit buyer Martin Bishop said: “I’ve worked hard all my life so that I don’t have to de-seed my own melons.

“Am I supposed to apologise for that? We live in a meritocracy. If people worked harder, everyone would be able to peel the top off a tub of chopped mango fragments with a sigh of self-satisfaction.”

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Dumped man wondering if ‘too nice’ might mean something else

A RECENTLY-DUMPED man is not sure why being ‘too nice’ was such a problem.

27-year-old Wayne Hayes was unexpectedly dumped by his girlfriend of two years, Emma Bradford, after she apparently had a problem with him being excessively nice.

He said: “I don’t get it. Doesn’t everyone want people to be nice to them? Isn’t that one of the most basic factors in whether you like someone?

“I’d definitely rather go out with someone who was kind to me and cooked me nice meals, rather than a person who called me ‘arsehead’ and stole my credit card to buy themselves a car.”

Hayes now believes Bradford was using his niceness as an inaccurate term for other personal flaws: “Maybe she meant that I lacked personality, because I just agreed with everything she said and rarely had any opinions of my own.

“If that’s the case she should have just said so, instead of being too nice.”

He added: “If it makes her like me again I’ll punch a horse in the face. I won’t like it but I’ll do it.”