Pope buys electric oboe

POPE Francis is to relaunch Christianity using state-of-the-art video software and an electronic wind instrument.

Following the huge response to Richard Dawkins’ presentation on memes to an advertising seminar, the Pope said he was looking for the same kind of ‘psychedelic brain-shaft’ but using the Virgin Mary instead of hedgehogs.

Dawkins’ musical tour de force has become one of the most valuable contributions to the internet so far and, according to experts, will be used for years to come as an illustration of what happens when evolution really kicks in.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “At first you think, ‘oh shit, Dawkins has got out of the boat – he’s going to let religion back in the game’.

“And then you realise he’s playing them at their own game, but with YouTube. And, of course, his ‘Nintendo trumpet’.”

Theologian Dr Roy Hobbs added: “It starts off like a meth addict’s daydream and then it charms you and then it scares you and then it explodes inside your brain, sending bits of hedgehog everywhere.

“It has neither destroyed religion nor made it seem more credible. Rather it has inspired religion into realising that it needs to be even more unusual.”

A Vatican spokesman said: “If mind mutations are what the young people are into then we can certainly do that.

“Now, where would one purchase an electric oboe? And is it easy to play if you are an elderly Argentinean gentleman with fat little fingers?”

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No pressure, Britain tells Murray

RAFA Nadal’s first round defeat does not mean that you now have absolutely no excuse, Britain told Andy Murray last night.

As the Spaniard crashed out to someone who is only slightly better at tennis than you, the nation assured its number one that it would understand if he loses the Wimbledon final to a Swiss person who must be at least 50 by now. Again.

Helen Archer, from Peterborough said: “My grandmother is very ill.

“But despite the fact that she struggles for every breath and is seeing visions of Elizabeth Taylor whenever she is conscious, I know that she will forgive Andy if, for reasons beyond his control, the 50 year-old old Swiss man cheats his way to victory. Again.

“I just want her to have some peace. So if Andy could see his way clear to not losing to someone who seems to have been around since the first Oasis album, that would be spiffing.”

Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, added: “Wimbledon is all about ‘the draw’. You live and die by ‘the draw’.

“I’m not saying ‘the draw’ is now much easier and so we should reasonably expect Andy Murray to end our long national nightmare. Absolutely not.

“I’m just saying that if he doesn’t, for reasons beyond his control, I would hope that he would at least have the common decency to come to my house and apologise.”