Post-nut clarity lasts for two minutes, scientists confirm

THE mental acuity which men experience after ejaculation lasts for precisely 120 seconds, scientists have confirmed.

The state, in which men see and comprehend the world as it truly is and are capable of great insights and discoveries, fades exactly on the two-minute mark as they plunge back into guilt, shame and vaguely fancying a wank.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It lasts about the quarter of the length of an average act of intercourse. One of nature’s delightful patterns, like the Fibonacci sequence.

“During that time men realise they shouldn’t be having an affair with their wife’s best friend, or that pornography has an adverse effect on both performer and consumer, or solve superstring theory with 11-dimensional membrances. Then they forget.

“After that two minutes is over, they descend back to ordinary consciousness and begin closing PornHub tabs, fumbling to grasp revelations which were so clear a moment earlier.

“If it could be prolonged then a cure for cancer or the harnessing of cold fusion energy would be within our grasp. But sadly, like everything else worth doing, it’ll have to be left to women.”

17-year-old Ryan Whittaker said: “I achieve post-nut clarity upwards of four times a day. It’s exhausting.”

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Holly Willoughby caught swearing, drinking, smoking and going with boys during Dancing On Ice

ITV viewers have complained that Holly Willoughby swore, swigged white cider, passed a Marlboro Gold and snogged a rough lad while presenting Dancing on Ice. 

The presenter, who endured a turbulent 2023 in which she fell out with her best friend and stopped going into This Morning, horrified viewers by calling Mr Mulhern a ‘f**ker’ and cackling about it.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “My God. Is that Holly? Sitting on the side of the ice rink in that tarty outfit?

“She’s plastered in make-up, she’s smoking and the way her and her mates guffaw moments after anyone walks past leaves no doubt she’s making cruel remarks about their appearances.

“Yes, she broke off to introduce Roxy Shahidi and Sylvain Longchambon’s Beetlejuice-themed routine, but she had a bottle of cider in her hand and did it in a sarcastic voice to show she couldn’t care less.

“And those boys she’s with are from the estates. Not a GSCE between them. She shouldn’t be letting them tit her up live on Sunday night on ITV.”

Willoughby said: “Presenting prime-time television and running a lifestyle brand is boring. Jayden’s got a car and a Crawley Town tattoo.”