Public ‘nowhere near ready’ for reversible USB

PEOPLE are today trying to comprehend the ‘reversible’ version of an object known to most as ‘thing’.

Experts stressed that as none of you understand why the existing USB connection works, making it ‘reversible’ will lead to unnecessary confusion and staring.

IT consultant Nathan Muir said: “We should just have started making them without telling anybody.

“No-one would have noticed and there would be no questions.”

Martin Bishop, a computer user from Stevenage, said: “I use the thing to put stuff into the computer, so when I ‘reverse’ it will it take stuff out of the computer?

“And if it does, do I have to make sure that all the little bits of digital electricity are facing the right way before I put them back in?”

Jane Thompson, from Peterborough, said: “If I’m in ‘reverse mode’ will I have to listen to my music backwards to make it sound normal?

“And what about my photographs? Will they still be photographs? Or will they be the opposite of photographs?”

Muir stressed that the reversible USB would ‘neuter the advantage of Apple’s lightning cable’ before realising what he had said and then letting out an anguished sigh.

Bishop added: “What, in the name of God, is a ‘lightning cable’?”


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Methamphetamine is top Christmas gift

A PRE-CHRISTMAS rush on crystal meth has left dealers unable to cope with demand.

The popularity of TV series Breaking Bad has seen millions placing the street drug at the top of their gift lists.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “My husband is a massive Breaking Bad fan and keeps dropping hints about crystal meth.

“I normally just get him a bottle of Famous Grouse, it’s the first time in a decade he’s actually known what he wants.

“But I’ve tried every street corner in the most intimidating areas of town and all I could get was crack. Fingers crossed he won’t notice the difference.

“The dealer said crack is just as good.”

Drug dealer Tom Logan said: “Meth wasn’t popular in the UK pre-Breaking Bad, especially not among the Christmas gift market.

“I managed to import some and made up these little presentation boxes containing meth, pipe and a little booklet of some quirky, interesting meth facts.

“I wrote ‘Merry Christ-METH’ on the packaging which is quite good even if I do say so myself.

“Hot cakes doesn’t even begin to cover it. Hopefully I can get my supply chain locked down for when they all come back for seconds on Boxing Day.”