Samsung phone owners experiencing closest thing they will ever get to excitement

THE reliable, boring people who own Samsung phones are experiencing their most nearly-exciting day ever.

After being instructed to return their potentially explosive devices in a fireproof bag, the solid workhorse owners of the solid workhorse phones confirmed that it was all a bit too crazy for them.

Samsung fan Roy Hobbs said: “I like Samsung because it’s a dependable company with proper offices that have desks instead of funky bean bags and everyone sits quietly working with their heads down.

“That suits me because I am quiet and punctual, I have three pairs of chinos for work and a pair of supermarket own brand jeans for the weekend.

“I had no idea my apparently plain phone, which I bought after reading reviews on 43 separate technology websites, was a ticking time bomb. To be honest I feel a bit like James Bond now.

“The thrill of it has made me want to cut loose and eat a whole bag of Maltesers, then leave work on time instead of staying late to ensure I am fully prepared for the following day like I normally do.

“I feel so incredibly alive that I’ve undone my top two shirt buttons.”

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Meditation leads to painfully obvious spiritual insights

A MAN who recently took up meditation has gained spiritual insights that anyone could have thought of, it has emerged.

After joining a weekly one-hour meditation class, graphic designer Tom Logan has been sharing his newfound wisdom along the lines of ‘we all rush around too much’.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “You may as well rush things like doing your washing because what’s the point in taking time to appreciate Persil liquid and a bunch of socks?

“Tom also said we never ask ourselves what really matters in life, but I’ve done that loads of times just by thinking rather than paying £15 to sit on a yoga mat.”

Logan said: “Meditation allows me to rise above everyday life and see how trivial it is, although obviously I still have to do stuff like go to work and clean the cat’s litter tray when I’m not meditating.

“It’s taught me some very deep things, like try to relax if you’re stressed, don’t worry about unimportant things and enjoy life as much as you can.

“Sometimes I allow myself a smug little smile because I know these incredible secrets.”