Sunday, 27th September 2020

Science is bollocks, confirms Johnson

THE prime minister has announced that science is a load of bollocks only metropolitan liberal elitists believe in. 

Boris Johnson said scientific opinions such as the two-metre rule are prejudiced nonsense invented by eggheads who need to wake up and live in the real world.

He continued: “Professor Chris Whitty. What a wanker.

“He thinks he’s got the authority to tell Britons brave and true how to live their lives, just because he’s got a load of letters after his name. 

“The coronavirus is tiny. Two metres is like a million miles to it. But we’re expected to imagine it can fly that far, on the say-so of a load of white-coated charlatans? 

“You know what I trust in? Good old British common sense, the kind you can’t discover in a laboratory test-tube, and that’s what we’ll be relying on from now on. Metres are EU nonsense anyway. 

“Whenever a scientist tries to speak, boo and throw rotten fruit at the stuck-up twat. Okay, over to you Sir Patrick Vallance.”