Scientists dare each other to poke mystery roadkill animal with stick

THE decomposing corpse of a mystery creature is likely to remain unidentified after experts refused to go anywhere near it.

Locals near the Minnesota road where it was discovered are speculating that the putrefying clawed-footed beast is the legendary Chupacabra, an animal rumoured to drain blood from unsuspecting goats.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Sure it’s interesting, but not interesting enough for me to put my hands on its rancid decaying face and balls.

“It looks like a hairy Pepperami with fangs and it smells like an old pig bladder full of farts. You’d have to be wrong in the head to want to get by that.”

He added: “I’ve found a long stick but I’m going to leave it to another leading member of the zoological community to give it a poke.”

Professor Emma Bradford, from Roehamption University, said: “I bet it’s not actually dead.

“Either it’s lying really still, waiting for someone to get close enough to bite their face off, or it’s some outer space thing where if you touch it its spirit sort of jumps into your body and possesses you, making your eyes go black and giving you the taste for human flesh.

“In summary, it’s someone else’s problem.”

And Cambridge professor of zoology, Roy Hobbs, added: “You can see it’s gone all hard and there’s clumps of fur missing. Just look at it.

“I really like science, discovering new species and so forth but I also realised many years ago while doing my PhD that there are some right manky fucking things that I wouldn’t touch with yours.”



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Middle class to take looting lessons

THOUSANDS of middle class people worried about job security have signed up for a two week course in looting.

With the economy plunging once more into the abyss, middle income professionals keen to maintain their standard of living are now learning how to smash a really big window, grab a Dualit toaster and run like fuck.

Stephen Malley, senior retail analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Britain needs to loot its way out of recession. We could continue to dick about with spending cuts and taxation, but why bother when we can all just go apeshit in a John Lewis?”

Meanwhile, after a record breaking weekend of liberating small and medium-sized electronic goods across north London, the capital’s leading looters have found their expertise in high demand.

Martin Bishop, a 19 year-old who specialises in microwaves, said: “I’m starting classes next week in a burned out Currys.

“For the first lesson we’ll just be handling breeze blocks, passing them round the class, so everyone can get a feel for them.

“The following week everyone will get their own practice window to smash and then I’ll show them how to get inside the shop without gouging themselves in the groin.”

He added: “It’s all about quick decisions. This is isn’t Currys on a Saturday afternoon, this is Currys at one o’clock on a Sunday morning with 15 rozzers outside, all of whom are tremendously keen to fuck you up.

“You have to go in there having memorised exactly what you want. Also – and this is something that middle class women always forget – you have to be able to carry it.”

But Jane Thompson, a landscape architect from Finsbury Park, said she was forming a local co-operative so that busy working mothers can get together early in the morning to have coffee and loot very large appliances.

She added: “We’ll take it in turns to choose something hefty. I’d like a Smeg fridge, but some weeks it might be a dishwasher or a piano.

“Why should a global depression stop my children from learning the piano when there’s a perfectly nice one just sitting there?

“Would you like to see my sledge hammer? It’s Javanese.”