Scientists dare each other to poke mystery roadkill animal with stick

THE decomposing corpse of a mystery creature is likely to remain unidentified after experts refused to go anywhere near it.

In the name of God, what is it?

Locals near the Minnesota road where it was discovered are speculating that the putrefying clawed-footed beast is the legendary Chupacabra, an animal rumoured to drain blood from unsuspecting goats.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Sure it’s interesting, but not interesting enough for me to put my hands on its rancid decaying face and balls.

“It looks like a hairy Pepperami with fangs and it smells like an old pig bladder full of farts. You’d have to be wrong in the head to want to get by that.”

He added: “I’ve found a long stick but I’m going to leave it to another leading member of the zoological community to give it a poke.”

Professor Emma Bradford, from Roehamption University, said: “I bet it’s not actually dead.

“Either it’s lying really still, waiting for someone to get close enough to bite their face off, or it’s some outer space thing where if you touch it its spirit sort of jumps into your body and possesses you, making your eyes go black and giving you the taste for human flesh.

“In summary, it’s someone else’s problem.”

And Cambridge professor of zoology, Roy Hobbs, added: “You can see it’s gone all hard and there’s clumps of fur missing. Just look at it.

“I really like science, discovering new species and so forth but I also realised many years ago while doing my PhD that there are some right manky fucking things that I wouldn’t touch with yours.”