Scientists isolate 'the vibe'

THE elusive feeling that makes a party really happen has been isolated and analysed by scientists, it has emerged.

With many of this year’s Christmas parties failing to fulfil their potential, a team at the Institute for Studies has synthesised the invisible force that makes a social situation ‘happening’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “As you can imagine, creating a good vibe under strict laboratory conditions is no mean feat.

“We started by examining a number of things in which the vibe is strong – a former member of acid jazz icons Galliano, a baby panda, the entire population of Brazil.

“But, despite certain commonalities, the vibe remained nebulous and we were unable to express it algebraically.

“The breakthrough came when we acquired a sample of Prince’s flesh and bombarded it with commercial jazz funk from the late 80s. After two days it began to exude a neon liquid.

“We injected this substance into some rats and the atmosphere in their cage became really fun almost instantly.”

Professor Brubaker hopes that the good vibe can eventually be mass-produced, possibly in the form of a small, roughly rectangular brown object that emanates an irresistible urge to party.

 

Couples that watch Jools Holland's Hootenanny doomed to split

ALL couples who watch Jools Holland’s BBC2 New Year show will separate at some point before March, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies questioned 5000 newly single people, and discovered that all their relationships fell apart after viewing the programme.

Each respondent reported a deadening sensation between the legs during the show and an overwhelming sense of ennui when the broadcast had finished.

Stephen Malley separated from his fiance Francesca Johnson after seeing the show last year.

He said: “We’d been together for three years and were having it off constantly.

“She was keen to go to her mate’s New Year party, but I couldn’t really be bothered so persuaded her to stay in and watch Jools’ Hootenanny with a bottle of Ballycastle.

“As soon as Jools started gladhandling Brian Ferry, I was overwhelmed by a certainty that I’d never have sex with her again.

“Then as the Big Band were tuning up for a jazz riff, she told me I ‘smelled of burning nylon’ and moved to the opposite end of the sofa.”

Francesca added “I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Stephen. But it was only through watching Hootenanny that I had any idea how endless and unbearable a lifetime could be.”

Stephen says that he and Francesca still plan to attend the Squeeze reunion concert that they bought tickets to before the end of their relationship.

He said: “We’re both massive fans.”