Todd Akin's Guide to the Female Anatomy

TODD Akin, the US Congressman and Professor of Anatomy at the University of Western Missouri, has unveiled his long awaited guide to the inner workings of the female body.

The skull: With its average diameter of 8cm the female skull can fit neatly into rabbit holes and with the attachment of a stiff brush, can be used to clean chimneys. Females only have headaches if they really want to.

The brain: Due to the limited skull dimensions the female brain is relatively small, like that of a Labrador or a child. This makes them obedient and noisy, often at the same time. Female brains can be switched off like a robot or a vacuum cleaner.

The arms: Female arms are mainly used for pies. My research shows that pies can be up to 14% tastier if female arms have hands at the end of them. Woman can detach their arms at the first hint of trouble.

The legs: Used to attract strong, intelligent men, the female leg performs best when left uncovered all the way up to the part where it conjoins with the buttocks. Women’s legs can also fold-up like an accordion when they need to scamper under a cave door that is closing rapidly.

The pancreas: Like most female organs the pancreas is used for scrubbing caked-on food waste and does not get cancer if it doesn’t feel like it.

The breasts: Since the time of Adam and Eve the female breast has been used for storing gossip. They are pumped up each morning like a pair of child’s armbands and confer legitimacy when deployed in conjunction with an upper thigh.

The heart: The female heart is made of strawberry preserve and stops and starts on the basis of whimsy. It is where women keep their secrets, their evil plans and their bitter, hysterical resentment.

The buttocks: Give females their inherent bounce and can protect an entire community if operated by a man. The buttock is also the chief cause of war between female tribes.

The uterus: Exists outwith the established laws of time and space and is possibly the size of Canada. Einstein said the uterus may contain a wormhole to an alternate universe where women could dispose of unwanted sperms.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Prince Philip leaves hospital to make rape comment

PRINCE Philip has discharged himself from hospital so he can be the latest person to say something hellish about rape.

The 91-year-old royal was agitated after recent emissions from George Galloway and Congressman Todd Akin, and moved immediately to strengthen his constitutional role of saying horrific things about sensitive subjects.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “He’s spent the past day or so pacing about his hospital room mumbling about ‘thighs’ and ‘urges’. Every time a nurse came in, he’d shout ‘skank!’ at them until they left.

“I think he’s building up to say something sensationally off-colour about sexual assault. How bad? As bad as you’d expect from a 91 year-old member of the aristocracy with a knackered bladder and penchant for shooting anything that moves.”

Philip will make his statement to ‘Nuts’ magazine later today whilst competing in their celebrity tournament to see how many darts he can throw at a picture of Andrea Dworkin whilst downing shots of Sambuca with Danny Dyer.

Twitter has been put on high alert in readiness for the predicted outrage and all leave has been cancelled for anyone with enough IT skills to Photoshop a picture of Philip into a poster for ‘The Accused’.

Meanwhile, women across the UK have agreed that rape may now be only slightly worse than hearing George Galloway use the word ‘insertion’.

Helen Archer, chair of support group Women Who Heard George Galloway Say Insertion, added: “Typical reactions are the fear that you will never sleep again and the haunted, haggard look of someone who fought at the Battle of Stalingrad.

“Use the freephone number. Someone is waiting to talk to you. There is no such thing as legitimate Galloway.”