What pointless shit are you watching on TikTok?

TIKTOK is the surprise internet hit of coronavirus as people attempt to fill the endless empty hours of lockdown. Here are some great videos if your attention span is f**ked. 

People miming to songs

Pretty pointless, like watching your local am dram group put on a production of Get Carter when you could just watch the actual film. Probably popular due to the ‘perv factor’, ie. TikTikkors will watch anything with a woman in a tight top, even if she’s explaining how to get rid of mildew.

Shit American cooks 

Ever wondered if there’s a way to put maple syrup INSIDE a cheese and egg toasted sandwich before frying it? The many weirdly unambitious American cooks on TikTok will show you.

‘Oddly satisfying’ videos

Okay, these can be hypnotic. But it’s hard not to suspect that a video of ice creams being dipped in chocolate in a factory is some sort of capitalist brainwashing to prepare you for a life of standing at a soul-destroying production line.


If you want to watch mildly competent dancers showing off horribly to crap R’n’B, TikTok is for you. And, unlike the one good dancer in your office showing off at the Christmas bash, you can turn it off. Also inexplicably popular are videos of dads joining in, as if it’s a modern-day miracle that a healthy 45-year-old man can do Gangnam Style badly.

Overambitious tutorials

Ever wanted to learn how to paint? Tiktok will show you in 15 seconds. Sadly they fail to mention that the people making the videos are GOOD AT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. The same applies to cool skateboard tricks. The death toll from these videos is currently unknown.

Hunting humans

These real-life fights to the death in undisclosed locations in Eastern Europe are genuinely compelling. Unfortunately you’ll have to download ‘Dark TikTok’, run by the same people as the Dark Web, and once you’ve registered the Russian mafia will kidnap you for the next one.

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Creepy village erects large wicker Captain Tom

A GIANT statue of Captain Tom made entirely of wicker has been erected in a remote, creepy village, it has emerged.

As tributes to the fundraising ex-army officer escalate, the pagan inhabitants of Summerisle made a huge wicker effigy of Tom Moore that is large enough to fit a man in its chest.

Police officer Wayne Hayes said: “I discovered the wicker Captain Tom while investigating the disappearance of a young girl in the area. I’ve seen some impressive tributes to him over the last few weeks, but this one takes the biscuit.

“Standing 40 feet tall he looms over the village, his eyes the size of millstones staring down at the townspeople in judgement. Sacrificial livestock is housed in his massive Zimmer frame and at night naked virgins dance around his enormous, charitable feet.

“During the clap for the NHS, villagers poured out of their houses wearing papier-mache Captain Tom masks, then they caged me inside the effigy, and set fire to it.”

As the flames started to take hold, a smiling Hayes added: “It’s the least we could do to show our appreciation for Captain Tom. Roll on the knighthood!”