FOUR out of five people in Britain have named their hire-purchase widescreen television in their will, according to a new study.
The survey showed that most people are more familiar with their television’s menu functions than their own middle name and around 60% would rescue it from a house fire at least an hour before their own children.
Researcher, Gail Hartman, said: “One woman I interviewed kept referring to her 42” Sony Bravia as ‘Lewis’ and insisted I tell him how handsome he was looking today.
“She’d made it a little hat and everything and she said she’d had him since he was a portable.”
Hartman stressed that mixed human/television marriages are inevitable, adding: “It’s only a brief moment of evolutionary time before men develop SCART-shaped genitals to consummate their feelings, whether it be with a classy, sophisticated Panasonic that’s too good for them or some skanky little Alba they’ve picked up in Argos.
“The relationship between owners and their sets has changed over the years – in the 30s they were viewed like members of parliament stood in the corner of the room telling you which set of fuzzy-wuzzies the Prime Minister had recently subdued.
“These days your average television is like a priapic moron with ADD hurling shit into your face, then calling you an idiot for letting him get away with it. Like a slightly less demented version of Noel Edmonds.”
Figures showed that the average UK citizen watched an average of four hours of television a day, although this figure trebled in areas within 300 yards of an Iceland store.
This represents a 22% increase from 2005 with experts citing the harsh winter and the lingering hope that James May will eventually rip off Richard Hammond’s arms and use them to beat Jeremy Clarkson to death.