THE Tory leadership contest will soon be decided by the white, retired grassroots. So who are these key voters? Here party members Roy and Barbara Hobbs describe a typical day.
6.30am. Get up unnecessarily early and start drinking tea. Refuse to turn the television set on in case Channel 4 are still showing sex films, whose disgustingness you can only imagine. Imagine them intently, staring at the blank screen with mounting fury.
8am. Have a non-woke breakfast of fried bread, eggs, sausage, bacon and black pudding, just to annoy our do-gooder children who keep nagging about our cholesterol levels. We never had cholesterol in the 1950s and there weren’t all these druggies then.
10am. Daily Express arrives. ‘43 DEGREE SCORCHER, TIME TO BASK IN THE SUN!’ it says. Do so, minus sun tan lotion and if doctors don’t like it, up yours, doc!
Midday: Drink a gallon of water to slake our inexplicable thirsts. Then put 20 more gallons on the lawn with the hose. No eco-fascist is ordering us about. Not that they ever have. But they will. All this recycling is like Nazi Germany.
2pm. Go for a walk by the canal. It probably used to have loads of wonderful statues. We’re not sure – we only took an interest after the lefties started tearing them all down. If there were statues it’s disrespectful to our country and they should be shot.
4pm. Roy goes upstairs with binoculars to examine the young woman next door, who sunbathes if it’s hot. She needs to be kept under surveillance in case she’s committing benefit fraud. Everyone’s at it these days.
6pm. Turn on the news on the Bra Burning Communists. That’s Roy’s hilarious joke name for the BBC. It’s a woman newscaster, naturally, who only got her job through quotas. Nicholas Witchell is the only one with any respect these days. Shame he looks like a naked mole-rat now. It puts you right off your rich tea biscuits.
8pm. Midsomer Murders on ITV3. A reminder of a more gracious England, in which there were no strikes or demonstrations, and we settled our differences discreetly by poisoning each other.
10pm. Time to follow the leadership contest. Sunak or Truss? Truss reminds us of Margot in The Good Life. Sunak reminds us of the charwallah in It Ain’t Half Hot Mum. We both agree Liz wins hands down.
11pm. Bedtime, but first we pray to God for guidance on the leadership contest. God says to vote for the one most like Thatcher and ignore the teachings of Jesus because he was a sandal-wearing communist. Thank you for your guidance, Lord. Jesus must have been such a disappointment to you, just like our own children. They work in the arts.