ONLY animals go to Heaven, it has emerged.God snuffling around
All other species live forever in paradise, while those unlucky enough to be born human face oblivion when they draw their last breath.
St Peter, who is actually a giraffe, said: We tried admitting humans, but they just fouled things up with their futile grand schemes, ridiculous delusions and ultimately ruinous, violent tendencies.
We even tried keeping them on leads but that didnt work, so God, who is actually a hedgehog, decided it was for the best to bar them altogether.
St Peter said that contrary to the belief of biologists, animals were fully aware that they would enter eternity after death.
That antelope being hunted down by a hungry pack of lions? Hes philosophical. A brief moment of pain then off he gambols to paradise.
Thats the reason we decided not to give animals the power of speech, just in case they let on.
So, enjoy your trousers and your internet and Downton Abbey because thats as good as it gets.