SEX with people older than 61 is to be made illegal in the UK.
Government experts cited revolting newspaper articles about pensioners with ‘fulfilling sex lives’ as sufficient reason for the ban.
Helen Archer, a public health official said: “Elderly people are under pressure to have sex from a society hoping to sell them gym kit, testicle lift surgery and those weird ‘cultural’ cruises where pensioners look at Greek erotic statues.
“Old age is supposed to be relaxing, you’ve accepted that your genitals have shrivelled to insignificance and can just grow potatoes and obsess about the parking space outside your house.”
She added: “Sex is supposed to be beautiful and natural – but there’s nothing natural about two naked people who watched Doctor Kildare first time around writhing in a horizontal dance of death.”
Nathan Muir, a nursing home manager commented: “I’m exhausted from having to remove residents from the wrong rooms after lights out.
“If you have a bath with a special cut out-door and a collection of china animals, you should not be doing it – ever.
“I’ve been wondering whether I’d get a raging, out of control libido too if I wore slippers everywhere and ate my dinner at 5pm.”
Denys Finch Hatton, 72, said: “This is actually a huge relief. Finally I can stop munching loads of Viagra and just sit in a chair watching war films until I die.”