Alcohol is laziest and best birthday present

ALCOHOL remains the laziest possible birthday gift that is sincerely appreciated.

In 67 per cent of cases alcohol gifts were greeted with a roll of the eyes, followed by an involuntary broad grin and thumbs-up gesture.

Nikki Hollis, from Croydon, said: “I’m a multi-faceted person with many interests, including fashion, opera and dog-walking, but all anyone could think to buy me for my birthday was champagne?

“Really nice stuff, as well. Bollinger, Veuve Cliquot, I’m gonna get classy shitfaced.”

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Books, jewellery or vouchers are all fine, but the greatest gift we can give one another is the one requiring the least thought.

“Plus you can get it from Sainsbury’s, and with a bottle bag you don’t even have to wrap it.”

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New X-Files investigates its own cancellation

THE new series of The X-Files begins by investigating the mysterious reason the show was taken off air in 2002, it has emerged.

The opening episode sees Mulder and Scully investigating the terrible decline in quality of season nine to discover it was sabotage by CIA Black Ops agents following instructions beamed from the Andromeda constellation.

Producer Susan Traherne said: “Mulder finds an abandoned shooting script for 2008’s I Want To Believe movie with notes in ancient Atlantean completely muddling the plot and destroying all characterisation.

“From there, he and Scully travel to the Dyatlov Pass in the Ural mountains, where they discover advanced mind-control equipment which hypnotised the entire world into turning over and watching CSI: Miami instead.

“They destroy it, after a fight with a Yeti or something, and everyone remembers they love The X-Files and it once again becomes the world’s most popular show.

“For the remaining five episodes, and because a lot of viewers complained that the show never delivered on its title, they battle the Xylophone Xenomorph, the X-Ray Xoloitzcuintli and Xombies.”