All the A-levels bullsh*t you need in one article

IT’S A-level results time again, so prepare for an onslaught of overexcited teenagers and tedious advice. Or just read this article and save yourself loads of time.

What to do if you’ve f*cked up

The media is full of advice for students who didn’t get the grades for their university of choice, but it boils down to this: go somewhere sh*t or get a job in Asda and reapply next year. Toss a coin for it.

Leaping girls

Photographers cannot resist this awful, awful cliche. Save time by just typing ‘leaping girls’ into Google images and view those, or if perving over young women is your intention, man up and look at some porn.

Get a newspaper columnist’s random opinion about A-levels

These are hard to avoid, so here are three drivelling opinions you can absorb in seconds then go and do something more interesting:

Daily Telegraph: ‘Exams these days count for nothing. Snowflakes. Millennials. World War 2.’

Guardian: ‘Are cis-gendered exam questions failing LGBT students?’

Daily Mail ‘Femail’ section: ‘My son is leaving for university and my purpose as a human being is over.’

Read about a sickening overachiever

There’s always a middle class brainiac who’s been groomed for Oxbridge since birth. Here’s a condensed version: “Hilly Montague-Jones, 18, has nine A*s and will study law, medicine and English at St Templar’s College, Oxford before becoming incredibly successful. She is fit as well. The end.”

Endure a moron’s views on university

Rather than listen to Uncle Gary drone on witlessly, simply read aloud this moronic comment: “A degree in Gay Studies won’t get you very far in the real world, mate.”


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Dads confirm now is perfect time to buy a winter coat

DADS have confirmed that now is the perfect time to buy a winter coat as you would probably get it cheap and the arrival of winter is inevitable.

Martin Bishop, 64, told his son Tom to go out and find a nice winter coat as he could get a significant discount and then ‘just put it in the cupboard for a couple of months’.

Tom Bishop said: “In a lot of ways he’s right. But I can’t be arsed going out to buy a winter coat while the weather is really nice. It’s typical of my generation.”

Martin Bishop added: “I told him ‘save yourself a few quid and you won’t even have to look at it until October’.

“I don’t why I bother. F*cking idiot.