Amount of alcohol thrown away by UK homes remains at zero

THE average British household is wasting no alcohol, according to new research.

Figures from the Institute for Studies showed that roughly 0% of the UK’s alcoholic liquid ends up in landfill, with even bottles of sickly foreign liqueur brought back from holiday getting drunk sooner or later.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Alcohol wastage in the UK is a matter of absolutely no concern.

“Indeed the only real issue arising from domestic drink disposal is bottle recycling, specifically how to conceal from your neighbours that your recycling box contains nothing but cheap wine bottles.

“I recommend keeping some empty olive oil containers in reserve so you can put them on the top, disguising the booze empties.”

Meanwhile, domestic food waste is down from 13% from three years ago, as Britons finally gave up on buying the non-pre-prepared items known as ‘ingredients’.

Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, said: “Nowadays I even buy those pre-prepared Lazy Bastard brand jacket potatoes which come stuffed with cheese equivalent matter. I’m proud to say that the only things I throw away are plastic and cardboard.”

She added: “Supermarkets need to do their bit and stop throwing away carrots that look like cocks.”

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John Lewis kid's gift to parents is list of ways they disappoint him

THE huge box the child in the John Lewis advert hands to his parents contains a detailed breakdown of how they have failed him, it has emerged.

The advert shows the eight year-old becoming increasingly impatient in the lead up to Christmas, before leaping out of bed, ignoring his own presents and handing the gift to his parents whose immediate reaction is exactly as he had hoped.

But the full version shows the mother and father unwrapping the large box to find a long, hand written note, filled with bitter disappointment and recrimination.

The first item on the list is: “I’ve probably just interrupted you having sex. On Christmas Day. You sicken me.”

It continues: “The reason I have not opened my presents first is because, like your middle class salary, they are worthless.

“Why are we not in an Alpine chalet right now? Is it because of your lack of talent?

“You continually fail to address my needs while gorging yourselves on wine.

“And you seem to think affection is a reasonable substitute for state of the art electronics.”

The youngster then closes with: “You probably had dreams once, but you have betrayed them in the same way you have betrayed my future.

“Merry Christmas. I despise you.”

A John Lewis spokesman said: “We decided to go with the edited version because we have the same level of contempt for you.”