Anti-materialism rant written on brand new iPhone

A FACEBOOK user has written an impassioned rant against the evils of materialism on his brand new iPhone.

Tom Booker, 31, wrote: “We’ve all been brainwashed by consumerism, perpetuated by evil corporations who are destroying our planet and robbing us of our freedoms.

“I’ve posted a link to my podcast on the subject, but you’ll need to listen at home, because the latest iPhone doesn’t have a headphone jack.

“Unless you have Bluetooth headphones like I do.”

Friend Mary Fisher said: “Tom doesn’t believe in material wealth, so much so that he actually confiscated my HD TV.

“He’s even set up a club for anti-materialism activists. They meet on Wednesdays in Starbucks.”

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Ask Holly: There's a load of meat in the fridge that desperately needs someone hairy

Dear Holly,

My husband and I separated last year and we planned to get a divorce, but suddenly I am not so sure. Whilst I have thoroughly enjoyed being able to watch Poldark naked in a nice tidy home void of beer burps, I am really getting desperate for someone to take the bins out and there’s a load of meat in the fridge that desperately needs someone hairy and completely lacking in culinary skills to BBQ it until it tastes of soot. Should we get back together?



Dear Angelina,

When I grow up I am going to get married to myself. I know that isn’t legal just now, but considering how far we have come in modern society, who is to say that in 15 years it won’t be perfectly acceptable to marry yourself, or a tin of beans or even an abstract noun? You may laugh at my naïveté, but when was the last time you saw a tin of beans leaving the toilet seat up?

Hope that helps