Apprentices told to stop acting like twats

REAL-LIFE apprentices are acting like insane twats thanks to BBC One’s The Apprentice, it has been claimed.

The government is threatening to cut apprenticeship schemes unless young people stop using them as opportunities to promote their ridiculous, pathetic ‘personal brands’.

Garage owner Tom Booker said: “I had these two 17-year-old lads on a scheme, Mike and Steve or as they called themselves ‘Team Excelsior’ and ‘Team Deluxe’.

“I asked them to change a tyre and all they did was go off and invent a stupid energy drink called ‘Mind Pilot’.

“I gave them a massive bollocking but they just blamed each other so I sacked them both and they coldly thanked me ‘for the opportunity’ before wheeling off the suitcases that they had inexplicably brought with them.”

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “I can’t find an apprentice who isn’t obsessed with being ‘project manager’.

“They just keeping asking ‘Am I project manager? Am I project manager?

“Just shut up and hold the fucking spanner.”

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Cats head straight to cat pub

GPS collars have revealed that cats spend their nights in the nearest cat pub.

Research using electronic tracking devices showed that all the cats in a local area head in a straight line to the same location, the mysterious ‘cat pub’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Cat pubs are hidden underground, accessible via holes concealed by bits of old corrugated iron.

“We can’t say for sure what a cat pub is like because they can be entered only via a complex network of narrow tunnels, but essentially the cat goes in, stays for about seven hours, then comes out pissed.

“Probably the cats purchase cat lager using stolen change secreted in their cheeks, then they just sit around on little chairs drinking and purring.

“It’s likely there is a mouse or vole suspended from the ceiling by its tail, like a macabre punch bag, and a jukebox playing cat music.

“The existence of cat pubs explains why cats frequently throw up.”

Cat owner Mary Fisher said: “That’s why my cat is always pissing and why it smells so pungent. Stella.”