Are those teenagers laughing at you?

IF a group of young people start giggling when you walk past, you could be the victim of mockery by little shits. But how can you be sure? Read our guide and find out.

What sort of trainers are you wearing?

Maybe those day-glo £165 Adidas trainers were wrong for a plump 42-year-old. Or maybe they just aren’t cool according to some arcane teenage knowledge. They’re the dicks because they’re pawns of Nike’s marketing, but they are definitely laughing at you.

Have you got a strange affectation?

Perhaps you wear a bowtie in the mistaken belief you look like a raffish intellectual, when in fact you look more like a circus clown, or simply a twat? In this case the teenagers are right.

Ditch any wanker’s style choices, including: outback jackets with a bushranger hat when you live in Birmingham, using a cane when you don’t need one and fob watches.

Is there an unfortunate thing about your appearance you can do nothing about?

You may have a general air of geekiness like Ed Miliband, or an odd, lolloping gait like a Muppet. Kids can be cruel, but let’s face it, you are pretty funny.

Have you been using outdated youth argot?

It’s possible the teenagers have overheard you yapping on your phone using outdated terms in an embarrassing way, eg. “Quentin made a lovely lasagne and we chilled out with some ganj.”

However teenagers also routinely use odd phrases like “feeling ya, bruv” so go over like a stern teacher and tell them to stop being fucking hypocrites. End your lecture if a 13-year-old girl starts crying because – ridiculously – you could look like the bully.

Are you older than 25 but riding a skateboard?

Sorry. We have no sympathy.

Conclusion: If you haven’t done any of these things your teenage tormentors are probably just laughing randomly at some pathetic bollocks like Hayley texting Liam to say Callum is ‘fake’.

However if you have in some way offended teenage sensibilities, take comfort in the fact that with their ridiculously tight jeans and gormless phone-staring they are twats too.

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Woman already using 'It's Christmas' as excuse for being constantly shitfaced

A WOMAN has decided she can be legitimately drunk from now until January by claiming she is simply getting into the festive spirit.

Nikki Hollis has already been to the pub four times this week and will be getting totally wasted tonight while wearing baubles as earrings to avoid looking as if she has a drink problem.

Hollis said: “Getting pissed all the time is normally frowned upon, but even killjoy puritans can’t get funny about it if you’re necking pinot grigio to celebrate the birth of Our Lord.

“It would be stupid to waste the opportunity by waiting until the middle of December before embarking on the only orgy of overindulgence that society allows.

“I’ll be having Buck’s Fizz on Saturday mornings, Baileys in my afternoon coffee and at least one box of Sainsbury’s Shiraz of an evening. I’ll have guests over, obviously, unless I ‘forget’.

“If I’m still pissed at work the next day no one’s going to give a shit because it’s Christmas so I can just piss about looking at Love Actually memes instead of spreadsheets.”

Hollis’ line manager Tom Booker said: “We’ll see if Nikki still thinks that when she sees how much of a Christmas bonus she hasn’t got.

“Also I don’t think it’s fine for her to drink mulled wine at her desk at 9am because it’s a ‘Christmas drink’.”