Are you pretending to be an adult?

DO you live in fear of people finding out you are quite immature and just putting on a facade of being a proper grown-up with kids and stuff? Take our test and find out.

How do you feel each day at work?

A. Professional and focused on business goals.

B. In a permanent state of terror that someone that will realise you don’t understand half of what you’re doing and will tell you off like a teacher and make you cry.

What are you reading at the moment?

A. A novel recommended by the Guardian.

B. A novel recommended by the Guardian but frankly it is dull as fuck and you’d rather be reading a ridiculous ‘alternate universe’ graphic novel in which Batman is Hitler’s second-in-command and Harley Quinn is a British agent.

When spending time with your family in your suburban home, what goes through your mind?

A. A feeling of contentment and how lucky you are.

B. The question ‘HOW THE FUCKING HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?’ and a surreal feeling that you might wake up at any second back at university.

How would you describe your wedding day?

A. The happiest day of your life.

B. The terrible day your dreams of reforming your old band The Oblivion Gypsies and becoming the next Jimi Hendrix were smashed into a million tiny pieces.

Would you ever consider having an affair?

A. No, I couldn’t do that to my family.

B. Yes, if it was with Ripley, Xena or – obviously – Princess Leia.

Mostly As. Well done, you are a proper adult. Making dreary small talk about personal finance at garden parties holds no fear for you.

Mostly Bs. You are deeply immature. This is unlikely to change so just go deeper ‘under cover’ by buying some uncool M&S trainers.

I'm taking my wife's name because I'm progressive and also I want to bang on about it forever

My upcoming nuptials are a source of great joy. I get to join with my beloved forever, and, most importantly, I get to take my wife’s surname.

Yeah, you heard right – I’m taking HER name. What madness is this, I hear you asking. Well, I believe in equality and I want a way of banging on about that forever, so this is the perfect choice for me.

My wife and I talked about the possibility of going double-barrelled, but it was clear that wouldn’t have given me sufficient opportunity to lord my feminist credentials over everyone, so I’m going to become Mr Jones.  

This way, we get to truly strike a blow against the sexist, antiquated roots of the institution, and I get to make a total song and dance about changing every possible piece of paperwork in my life.

I’ve already been down to the HR department at work to enquire about the process and I saw the look of feminist awe on the face of the office assistant. And I was like: “Yeah. Exactly.”

I’m also having a feminist stag do, where we will go to a strip club, but wearing vagina deely-boppers and drinking through vagina straws.

And for all of those sexist, primitive types who say I’m only changing my name because it’s Cockburn and I’ve been bullied about it since school, I say this: fuck off. Feminism forever!