Bathroom cupboard full of non-essential oils

A WOMAN’S bathroom cabinet is brimful of distilled, cleansing, pointless lotions.

Emma Bradford, a paralegal from Durham, has accumulated a vast range of tiny scented liquids, which she regularly uses in undetectable quantities.

She said: “This one’s organic jasmine, this one’s concentrate of lavender, and this one’s something called wildcrafted niaouli essence.

“I put some in an incense burner, because setting fire to things relaxes me and I enjoy the visual metaphor of where my money’s going.

“Sometimes I pour it in the bath. Then I cover it up with the £25 body scrub with bits of sand in it, which hurts a bit so it must be good for me. And then I wash that off with a £35 shower gel made from expensive lemons.

“Then I cry for a few minutes and then I use a £45 face cream that will give me the skin of an 18-year old, by bringing back my acne. Anyway, I buy my cheese at the same time, so they all smell faintly of stilton.”

Bradfield’s partner, Tom Logan, said: “I use the same thing to wash my hair, face, beard and armpits. It costs ninety pence a litre and it smells of energy. It’s great being a man.”

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Church denies Pope had normal human feelings

CATHOLIC church officials have denied that Pope John Paul II would have done anything normal and healthy like fancying a woman.

Letters by the former Pope reveal a close relationship with a female philosopher, triggering concerns that he may have had the kind of feelings a man could reasonably experience if he had never had a shag.

Cardinal Tom Booker said: “Under no circumstances would John Paul II, who has spent his whole life denying the urges that are part of a human’s genetic programming, have experienced conflicted emotions around an attractive woman who he really liked.

“The Pope could not fancy people. That would be way too normal for us men of the cloth who are into celibacy, even though God mysteriously created us with incredibly strong compulsions to the contrary.”

John Paul II’s letters to Anna-Teresa Tymieniecka reveal that when they met he sometimes felt he had an animated devil on one shoulder and an angel on of the other, like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

He wrote: “The little devil talks in the gravelly voice of a working class New Yorker, saying things like ‘Holy smoke, that’s a helluva fine broad’ and tearing up a scrolls marked ‘Pope Vows’. The angel talks in a pious voice, saying things about God’s love being all I need.

“Sometimes I think the angel is a bit of an arse.”