Birmingham accent no longer works as birth control after Peaky Blinders

THE Brummie accent is no longer a viable means of preventing pregnancy following the success of the BBC show Peaky Blinders.

The accent, once associated with such tough shags as Frank Skinner and I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day’s Roy Wood, no longer puts off prospective sexual partners and could even be considered attractive.

Nathan Muir of Smethwick said: “They used to say that with a Brummie even if you kept your eyes tight shut when shagging one, the monotone would be contraception enough. But no more.

“These days, whenever the ladies hear my mellifluous tones they come flocking and ask if I’ve ever beaten a man to death with a cane.

“Sounding thick and boring has saved me a fortune in buying drinks and condoms. Now I’m being DNA tested and might have child maintenance to pay. All because of those flat-cap wearing f**kers.”

He added: “The next step is either a vasectomy, or I tell them I’m actually from Coventry.”

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Friends with benefits become acquaintances with benefits

FRIENDS with benefits Lucy Parry and Martin Bishop are relieved to have dropped the ‘friends’ element of their relationship so they can just get down to the shagging.

The pair say that spending time together and pretending to give a shit about each other’s personalities was getting in the way of the only thing they are interested in each other for.

Parry said: “We really took the ‘friends with benefits’ tag seriously, and used to hang around together going for coffee or watching films, but we were just treading water until a reasonable enough amount of time had passed and we could have sex.

“So by becoming acquaintances instead of friends we can stop wasting time and money buying takeaways and making tedious conversation and jump straight into bed instead.”

Bishop said: “It’s much more efficient to just exchange brief pleasantries, as you would with an acquaintance you met in the street, and then get down to it.

“I mention the weather, ask how her husband and kids are doing, and off we go.”