Bored baby wondering when mum going back to work

A BORED five-month-old child wants his mother to return to work, insisting has never really seen himself as a ‘stay at home baby’.

Ben Logan has always planned to go to nursery as soon as his mother seems ready, and is ‘itching to get out into the world’, having been stuck at home with her since being born.

Logan said: “It may not be the socially acceptable thing to say, but I don’t want to devote myself entirely to her.

“I long to be the independent, free-spirited foetus I was before she had me, when I didn’t have to meet her constant demands. I want to play with rattly things without being photographed and sent round on the family Whatsapp. I want a life.”

Logan added: “Also, I don’t want to get to a point in 10 months’ time where Dad just sees me as his ‘little stay at home baby’.

“If I can be engaged in the real world of miniature kitchens at nursery, I’ll have more to babble to him about as I pour yoghurt on the dog. He’ll see me as an interesting, fully-rounded human being and be less likely to replace me with a younger model.

“I’ve calculated that Mum just needs to use her entire salary to cover my childcare costs and Dad’s salary can then be used to clothe, feed, house and entertain me.”

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'Vasectomies for the poor' has been Tory policy for 184 years, confirm historians

THE Conservative Party has been committed to sterilising poor people since it was founded in 1834, historians have confirmed.

As party vice-chairman Ben Bradley called for working class men to have vasectomies, Cambridge historian Martin Bishop said it was the party’s founding principle and longest standing commitment but they are still working on the details.

He added: “It hasn’t always appeared in their manifestos, but has remained absolutely central to their political philosophy since Sir Robert Peel tried to add a vasectomy clause to the Poor Law Amendment Act.

“Over the years they realised that, logistically, it could be quite tricky to give vasectomies to millions of burly working class men who did not want their scrotums tampered with.

“But to this day Tory researchers spend most of their time trying to work out how to do it, preferably through a private sector solution.”