Brexiter never going to be truly happy

A BREXIT voter will not be happy even if leaving Europe works out, because of her bad personality.

35-year-old Emma Bradford was pleased to see the post-referendum economy performing better than expected but she still hates everyone and is always in a foul mood.

She said: “When we won I really thought this might be the thing that makes me feel good about myself.

“I felt like we had beaten foreigners, and those lefty pinko Guardian readers, and the girls from school whole stole my bike when I was nine which I have never really gotten over.

“It’s great that house prices haven’t collapsed or whatever but unfortunately I am still quite mean and negative. Like if the intern at work makes me a cup of tea I’ll say it’s wrong without even tasting it or making eye contact, so that he has to do it again.

“I thought winning at Brexit would be the cure for my spiteful character but now I realise I didn’t even care about it that much in the first place, which almost makes me feel moodier than before.

“I want to change but I’m not sure how. Maybe I need a kitten and a boyfriend who isn’t married.”

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Job applicants judged on whether their tattoos are any good

TATTOOS may stop you getting a job if they are dated, unimaginative or simply shit, it has emerged. 

Standard job interviews now require applicants to strip naked and stand on a rotating platform in front of potential employers who will assess the suitability of their body art. 

Waste solutions CEO Stephen Malley said: “Interviewees can say any crap they like about being a problem-solving self-starter, but what’s written on the body doesn’t lie. 

“Chinese character? Weak-willed, bends to peer pressure, no creative ideas. Out. Metallica tattoo? Stands by their principles, resolute, unafraid to be controversial. In. 

“Strangely-shaped phoenix clearly over ex-boyfriend’s name? Not only makes serious mistakes but tries to cover them up. Out. 

“Full backpiece of the cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer beautifully rendered in halftone grey effects? Will put up with any amount of pain for what’s truly important.” 

47-year-old Norman Steele said: “On the one hand, the Garfield tattoo on my upper arm means I will never again be gainfully employed. 

“On the other, all I have to do is show it the dole and I get my money no questions asked.”