Britain Gives Up Food For Booze

MILLIONS of people across Britain last night vowed to give up food instead of alcohol, after the government forced them to choose.

Following the chancellor's move to make everyone in Britain buy just one thing per year, the country's food consumers say they are ready to switch-over to beer, wine and spirits full-time.

Tom Logan, a 27 year-old accountant, said he would eat his dog and live on grass rather than give up meeting with his friends on a Wednesday for a couple of pints of lager and a game of cribbage.

He added: "I've cancelled my life insurance and sold my car. Hopefully that will keep me going until the army stages a coup." 

Nikki Hollis, a 33 year-old sales manager, said she would switch her six month-old child from organic baby food to strips of newspaper soaked in Oxo rather than give up large glasses of Chablis.

"I've worked hard to achieve this standard of white wine and if I have to take my youngest daughter out of private school to maintain that, I will."

Bill Mckay, 86, said he had stopped consuming vegetables and would fill up by eating his duvet so he could carry on drinking his nightly glass of Sailor Jerry's Navy Rum.

He said: "I will have to smoke a lot more to kill my appetite, and hope my winter fuel allowance increase lasts me through the dark months when I have a small one in the morning to wake me up.

"But I lived all through the Second World War and drank every day. If Adolf Hitler couldn't stop me, what chance do you give this Scotch twat with the dodgy eyebrows?"

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Budget Live!

ALISTAIR Darling has been described as 'the worst chancellor since the invention of numbers'. The pressure is on, but can he pull a rabbit out of his battered red hat? If so, will he then lose the rabbit? Or will the rabbit be appointed to the board of Northern Rock? And is this so-called rabbit domiciled in this country or not? Ladies and gentleman, all the way from Downing Street in London's fashionable West End,  we give you THE BUDGET!

1230: Chancellor stands up

1231: Chancellor shits himself

1232: British economy like an injured greyhound, says Darling

1233: Curious expression plays across prime minister's face 

1234: "Britain better than foreigners"

1240: JAM TAX! As expected chancellor drops jam bombshell. Sell jam now. 

1241: "Jam companies have a responsibility to society"

1244: "18, 76,000, 14.6, a billion and twelve, 90," says chancellor

1248: Gordon Brown pushes chancellor out of the way and tells him he's 'doing it all wrong'.

1251: "Pruuuuuuudence! Pruuuuuuuudence!" shouts prime minister

1252: After short tussle, chancellor regains control of dispatch box 

1254: Pledge to abolish poor children. 'They're so horrid' says chancellor

1257: "UK remains one of the best places in the world to do the business"

1259: Women told to stop being so lazy and get a job 

1302: Free bricks to help young people onto housing ladder

1304: £10m million for plastic scissors 

1306: Glasgow-London journey time reduced to 'less than two weeks' 

1307: Caroline Flint  bends over to pick up a pen 

1309: Caroline Flint is now sucking on the pen. Go on.  

1311: Tax on showrooms!

1318: Cars to be taxed based on size of boot   

1320: Cigarettes to be sold from box full of cobras 

1321: FUCKING HELL! 55p on a bottle of Scotch! What a prick!

1323: And he's giving it to the fucking pensioners! 

1324: Chancellor sits down 

1325: Chancellor shits himself. Again.