Britain thanks Alastair Campbell for his apology

BRITAIN has welcomed Alastair Campbell’s apology for destroying journalism.

Writing in the Guardian, Tony Blair’s former spin doctor described how Britain’s media have been systematically vandalised by a small number of nauseatingly vile characters.

Campbell lambasted people who engage in ‘distortion and manipulation’ in what experts confirmed was a heroic admission of guilt, typical of the man who helped create the Iraq war out of thin air.

Media analyst Julian Cook said: “He didn’t mention himself by name, because he didn’t have to.

“Alastair has enough respect for our collective intelligence to not point out the obvious. Which makes the apology all the more gracious.

“He knows that we know that he is one of the most appalling things to happen to British journalism. So we can all take that as read and focus – as Alastair so rightly suggests – on the things that actually matter.

“And that is – as Alastair explains so elegantly – that the British public has been serially abused by devious bastards eager to manipulate us for their own commercial or political advantage.

“What Alastair is basically saying is, ‘I hate what Murdoch, Dacre and myself have done to journalism. We are hollow-eyed demons from the fetid bowels of hell’.”

Cook added: “He is a humble, self-deprecating man who is nevertheless imbued with great wisdom.”

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It's my husband's birthday but he's a miserable git

Dear Holly,

It’s my husband’s 65th birthday and I have no idea what to get the miserable old git. Can you suggest anything (budget approx £15)?



Dear Camilla,

It’s always a challenge to buy a dad-present which doesn’t involve socks, whisky, or Jeremy Clarkson. Have you ever wondered why this is? At first I thought it was down to manipulation of gender preferences by major high street retailers, but it’s not. It’s because when a dad wants a treat, he doesn’t wait for someone else to get it for his birthday or Christmas: he just goes ahead and buys it for himself. While mums live in a permanent state of bitter self-denial, dads lavish gifts upon themselves all year round. So stop feeling bad about buying your husband another pair of rubbish cuff links: the chances are he’s just bought himself an iPad.

Hope that helps!